Captain Digital

Random musings on politics, society, and pop culture from the Internet's marketing curmudgeon.

D.C.: the Solomon Solution

An incisive decision.
An incisive decision.

Remember Solomon? For those of you who aren’t big Bible fans, Solomon was an Old Testament ruler – King of the Hebrews – who was renowned for his wisdom. In fact, the phrase “Wisdom of Solomon” indicates somebody that is very, very wise. King Solomon’s most famous decision was a ruling regarding a baby and dueling mothers. As the tale goes, one mother had rolled over in the night, accidentally smothering her newborn. To deal with her loss, she claimed that another woman’s baby was her own. In an era thousands of years before DNA, Solomon was asked to decide to which mother the living baby actually belonged. [Read more…] about D.C.: the Solomon Solution

Barney (the less than) Frank.

There are a couple of things that just drive me absolutely nuts. Boredom. Laziness. Lying. And number one with a bullet on my hit list of things I hate: weaselness. I define “weaselness” as a behavior where the weasel in question acts in a way so as to make life easier for themselves at the expense of the rest of the world, usually by twisting the truth beyond recognition, ducking responsibility, and blamestorming.

Barney Frank is a weasel. [Read more…] about Barney (the less than) Frank.

Be Careful What You Wish For.

First of all, let me go on record by stating that I was NOT wishing for a blizzard. Evidently, I was out-voted. As I write this (at around 6:35 PM CDT), we are being hit with some snow that I would characterize as “relentless.” As to the “blizzard” classification, let’s go to the authorities at Answers.com:

bliz·zard (blĭz‘ərd) n.

    1. A violent snowstorm with winds blowing at a minimum speed of 35 miles (56 kilometers) per hour and visibility of less than one-quarter mile (400 meters) for three hours.
    2. A very heavy snowstorm with high winds.
  2. A torrent; a superabundance: a blizzard of phone calls. [Read more…] about Be Careful What You Wish For.

Snow Job.

Let it snow. But not much.
Let it snow. But not much.

As I write this, it is about 68 degrees and overcast, here in Amarillo, Centrally Located Between Two Oceans!™ It’s been in the 70s and even up into the 80s over the past couple of weeks. Lows have been in the high 30s and 40s. I mention this because I’ve just learned that the brain trust at the Amarillo Independent School District have unilaterally decreed that school will be canceled for all of Amarillo tomorrow. This is due to the prediction by the National Weather Service of a blizzard (!) where they forecast between one and two feet of snow for us tomorrow.

Pause with me for a nanosecond, whilst I rage against the unfairness of weather here in the Panhandle. [Read more…] about Snow Job.

Obama’s March Towards Socialism.

I’ve been one of the ones that back before the election was warning about the consequences of a swing to the political left. Now those warnings and predictions are coming true with a speed that nobody (including me) could have anticipated. I’m no seer, nor am I some sort of political expert. But I do know people. And human nature. And when you get past the veneer of telegenic polish that is The Teleprompter President, I see what’s really going on. If anything, I’m convinced that we’re no longer heading towards Socialism (hint: We’re already there). No, what I’m worried about now is the idea that we are careening towards a totalitarian, fascist state.

If you’re not plugged in to the political process, there’s no time like the present. Start listening. Try to get past what the commentators say. Ignore the talking heads for a bit. Instead, listen to what the pols are saying – preferably the unedited version that you hear on C-SPAN. If that doesn’t scare you – nothing will. [Read more…] about Obama’s March Towards Socialism.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Did you ever read something and say to yourself, “I wish I’d written that”? I did that today. Here’s the link: http://blogs.dailymail.com/donsurber/2009/03/12/52-days-52-mistakes/. Simple. Brilliant. Devestatingly true. Archie Bunker once opined, “There’s something rotten in the state of Denver.” He could have been talking about The Chosen One’s signing of the Stimulus Bill.

The scary thing is that, every time I see a headline (like the outrage! OUTrage, I tell you! over the AIG bonuses), I wonder if the story du jour is being used as a smokescreen to hide what’s REALLY going on (like the DOD’s change in policy over how the military disposes of spent brass cartridges).

Read the list. And be afraid. Be very afraid.

It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green.

Big Brass Ones.
Big Brass Ones.

Pity poor Obama. When you’re trying to be the “Green President,” the “Anti-War President,” the “Anti-Gun President,” and the “Fix the Deficit/Economy President” all at once, it can be daunting job. Especially when these goals are at cr0ss-purposes from each other. Case in point: ammunition.

You see, when it comes to ammo, the U.S. Government is Customer Numero Uno. The dirty little secret of guns is that if you wanna be able to hit what you’re aiming at (my definition, by the way of gun control), you gotta practice. Practice makes perfect, my daddy is fond of sayin’ – and in this case, “practice” is the difference between being able to, say, hit the side of a barn, versus hitting an innocent bystander (what the media calls “collateral damage”) when you’re busy trying to keep the bad guys from separating you from your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. [Read more…] about It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green.

Beck: The 21st Century Paul Revere.

Another guy who got it.
Another guy who "got it."

There’s something happening here. You can feel it in the air. You can see it on people’s faces, hear it in their voices. Change. And I don’t mean the kind of B.S. “Change” that we saw on Obama’s campaign posters. I mean the kind of change that changes the course of a nation. And the tipping point is this afternoon.

I’m a conservative. A proud conservative. And I believe this country is, frankly, going to Hell in a hand-basket. Sadly, this started long before Obama took office. While I believe that George Bush the Younger is a principled, Godly man, too many things that happened on his watch ran contrary to my conservative principles. That was bad. This is worse: since Obama took office, the country is on a toboggan ride, downhill towards Socialism. Spending like drunken sailors (no offense to our Navy, guys – it’s just an expression), Congress seems content to fiddle while the U.S.A. burns. No program is stupid enough, wacky enough, or costly enough to deny it funding, while even the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office warns that most of the “stimulus” they’ve passed will not only fail to stimulate the economy, but will in fact prolong the recession. Obama has acknowledged as such, even back as far as the campaign days. When asked about his plan to tax capital gains even when it’s been proven, time and time again, that this will have a detrimental effect on the economy, he replied, “But it’s the right thing to do.”

The right thing to do. Interesting turn of phrase. [Read more…] about Beck: The 21st Century Paul Revere.

An Open Letter to the British PM.

Mar. 3: President Obama is seen alongside British Prime Minister Gordon Brown in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. (Reuters)
Mar. 3: President Obama is seen alongside British Prime Minister Gordon Brown in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington. (Reuters)

Dear Prime Minister Brown:

I noted, with interest, the reception provided you by President and Mrs. Obama upon the occasion of your first State visit to our shores. As a private citizen who has never held elective office, I usually leave maters of State to the State Department and the Executive branch. However, due to recent events, I feel I must express myself regarding your treatment by our new President.

First, allow me, on behalf of the American people, to apologize to you, your wife, and your country. Because of the way democracies work (and remember, we learned most of what we know of democracies from your ancestors), we periodically elect a new leader. He or she is chosen to not only lead our country, but to represent our country to other countries and other visiting dignitaries. I wish I could claim that Mr. Obama, being new to the job, and all, is just having some first-100-days jitters. I fear this is not the case. I am deeply concerned that he and his administration are tone-deaf, when it comes to foreign policy, and are confusing the ways you treat friends with the way you treat foes. I’m afraid that President and Mrs. Obama insulted you. Even worse, I’m afraid that they might have done so out of a boorish sense of disdain for your country, our shared history, and your country’s support of our mutual efforts to fight Islamic Fundamentalism. Regardless of their motives and their feelings, Great Britain is our oldest, most loyal, and most treasured ally. You deserve our respect, our gratitude, our admiration, and our friendship. By their rude behavior, I’m afraid that you and the British people may believe Americans are ungrateful, spoiled, and boorish. Please let me assure you that the President’s behavior does not reflect the sentiments of the United States of America. And I hope that you will not allow his slight to drive a wedge between our two great nations. [Read more…] about An Open Letter to the British PM.

Bosses from Hell.

My 11-year-old daughter asked me today to tell her a story. No big. But she wanted to know about stupid people that I’ve known and worked for. I’ve actually been pretty lucky…although I’ve worked WITH a lot of stupid people, most of the people I’ve worked for have not been stupid. Mind you, I’ve worked for people that have DONE a lot of stupid things. (And when I say “a lot” I mean, take the biggest number you can think of, double it, and then raise it by the next order of magnitude, and you’ll have an idea of how many stupid things.)

As you might expect, I’m not at a loss to regail my kid with stories about stupid things I’ve seen at work. The story that sprung to mind today is a true story. (I swear!) I’m changing the names to protect the guilty, the innocent bystanders, the quick, and the dead. So…

What seems like a lifetime ago, I worked for a guy who had a pointed stomach. Seriously. He’d herniated the muscle wall of his midriff, and his stomach (already a large part of his physical presence) became somewhat conical in shape. Think of one of Madonna’s B-52 nosecone bras, deduct one cup, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what his stomach looked like. (At one time, in a civil disobedient mood, I decided to write a book as a rip-off homage to the then hot, new book – A Hundred and One Uses for a Dead Cat, that I planned to call A Hundred and One Uses for a Pointed Stomach. Use #1: Breakdancing.)

Anyway, this guy, aside from having the world’s only pointed stomache, had a history…and what a history it was. Early in his life, he’d gotten involved in the music biz, and all the associated evils therein, specifically drugs and alcohol. One day, he awoke, and decided to get clean and sober. Unfortunately, he also had a learning disability that required him to have to repeat things at least three times, before he could remember them.

I worked for him as the Creative Director, and did a bunch of copywriting, feature story writing, and editing as well. As such, it was my lot to review his writing, and edit it. Remember that learning disability thing? When he’d write something, he’d make liberal use of quotes. And use the same quote three or four times, within the same page. I’d edit out the duplications. He’d put them back in (and yell a lot).

After a number of failed projects, he decided to turn his attention to writing a book. And not just any book. No, this was going to be his magnum opus on Christianity. You see, he believed that the only thing wrong with Christianity was organized religion. And he was determined to write a book that explained the Bible to the unwashed masses – sort of a “cut out the middleman,” where churches represent the middleman.

Keep in mind, not many theologians take up the gauntlet on this one. Few people feel that they are sufficiently learned to tackle a project this large – the Christian equivalent of writing the Unified Field Theory. For someone who hadn’t even so much as one semester of divinity school.

I tried to gently point out that there were a number of worthwhile volumes on the market, filled with insightful analysis on the meaning of the Bible. He was not to be deterred. He genuinely believed that not just some, but ALL the theology books on the market had missed the point, and he was the Only One Qualified To Explain the Bible.

I pointed out to him that the Bible (other than the King James Version) is a copyrighted work, and you just can’t quote willy-nilly from it without paying a royalty. His workaround? Paraphrase, essentially coming up with his ‘own’ translation.

I tried to edit out his liberal use (and reuse) of the same quotes, several times on each page. He refused.

Did I mention how his learning disability affected conversations? He once came to me with another of his patented “brilliant ideas.” The exchange went something like this…

BOSS
“…now I want you to stop…I want you to stop what you’re doing…

ME
“Okay. What can I do for you?”

BOSS
“Okay, I want you to stop…and stop what you’re doing. And I want you to print…now pay attention now, I want you to stop everything, and print everything you’re doing on pink paper.”

ME
“Um…pink paper?”

BOSS
“Now I want you to stop…and are you listening? I want you to print everything on pink paper…cause pink is a…now I want you to stop and listen to this, cause it’s important…cause pink is a response color.”

Well…maybe it is in San Francisco, but even after explaining the difficulties of trying to print four-color process on pink paper, he was still keen on the idea. But that was not enough. Just when I’d seemingly exhausted ways to make it better – or mock the project in such a way so that everyone would get the joke but him…my prayers were answered. He shared with me the title of the book.

Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? Are you resting comfortably? Okay. Here goes:

The Thoughts of Jesus Christ

by __________(INSERT NAME OF BOSS)

Pause with me for a nanosecond, whilst we explore the colossal enormity of this title. Most theologians would demur, rather than presume to be able to read the mind of the Son of God. Even more outrageous, to put one’s name on such a work could be considered sacrilegious at best, insane at worst. Of course, it could have been worse, word-wise. I suppose, “Jesus Christ…What was He thinking?” would have been over the top.

With a title like that, I was all but at a loss as to how to design the dust cover. I mean, I could have spent billions of dollars in conventional weapons, but this demanded something that was sarcastic in the extreme…something that scaled the heights of Olympus in satire. Something that would at once scream “Theatre of the Absurd” while keeping the author completely in the dark.

Now I’m not a joker, a smoker, nor a a midnight toker, for that matter. Never have been, never will be. But I have seen a package of Zig-Zag cigarette papers in my time. (See illustration above.) It struck me that a product that is most closely associated with stoner culture has a mascot that would look remarkably like the popular conceptions of what Christ might have looked like. Sans the joint in his mouth, of course. And what better way to say “this book is one big joke” than to slap a slightly-modified version of the Zig-Zag logo on the dust jacket. So I did. The boss, of course, didn’t have a clue (a leitmotif that ran through most of his input during my employment there.)

The book, of course, never saw the light of day. Which is just as well. But it does make a great story, about the pointy-stomached boss and his goal of better theology through repetition.