Captain Digital

Random musings on politics, society, and pop culture from the Internet's marketing curmudgeon.

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Humor

Random Thoughts.

I have a lot of things on my mind right now – things that don’t necessarily merrit a full blog post, but ideas I’d like to share, nonetheless. So consider this an idea sampler…

Obama IS the second coming of JFK, but not for the reasons the Dems would like to believe. I hear he’s signaled to Russia that he’s willing to put our missile sheild in Europe on the table, in exchange for their “help” with Iran. Um…so we’re going to surrender the one thing that has Putin foaming at the mouth, in exchange for some vague promise from Russia that they won’t continue to aid and abett those Iranian nut-jobs? Good plan. I hope O’s Universal Healthcare covers spinal transpants, ‘cuz it looks like he needs one…

Hey, Congress…The time to read legislation is BEFORE you vote on it. [Read more…] about Random Thoughts.

Recession-(80)Proof.

Adult Beverages, anyone?
Adult Beverages, anyone?

While visiting my father in Shreveport last week, I took time out to have lunch with a friend/former student. I asked him how the “mortgage crisis,” “economic crisis,” and “banking crisis.” He said he’s not really seen any ill-effects. That’s largely due to two factors – first, the recession is not nearly the “crisis” that the ObamaNation would have you believe it is (remember what Rahmbo said, “you don’t want t let a crisis go to waste”), and that my buddy owns a chain of liquor stores.

Beer, wine and distilled spirits are the original recession-proof commodity. Beer is “nature’s off switch” for millions. Tough day at work? Hit the off switch. Need to relax? Off switch. Wanna party? Off switch. Wine is generally thought of as a more sophisticated drink, usually a lubricant for dining. Then there’s the distilled spirits group. If beer is nature’s off switch, then liquor is the go-to beverage for just about any extreme emotion. Lose your job? Get a raise? Bad news? In these situations, beer is for amateurs. Liquor, ounce for ounce, packs more punch for less swallowing. And unlike beer (which comes only in “beer flavor”), you can get hooch in a wide variety of flavors, everything from mouthwash flavors (schnapps) to paint stripper (scotch) to drinks that will blind you in one eye and make you say “arrrggh” a lot (rum). [Read more…] about Recession-(80)Proof.

When Marketers Attack!

I’m in Dallas tonight, an overnight stop on a trip home. I went to Stonebriar Mall to find a replacement case for my crapalicious Window Mobile phone (Never again. Just trust me on this…you do NOT want a Windows Mobile anything. Ever). So I’m walking along, minding my own business, and suddenly I’m accosted by a mall cart sales rep, offering me a free sample of something I don’t want and don’t need. I wave him off. Not to be deterred, he says “can I ask you a question?,” and starts to invade my personal space. Oh, but I’m ready for him this time. “Nope. Sorry…In a hurry…gotta keep moving…thanks anyway,” I say, as I power walk away. You see, I’ve been here before – literally and situationally. The mall cart salesreps are the slimy underbelly of live sales. They prey on people who respond to a question like that with a naive willingness to answer what they think is a reasonable request. If you’re the type that doesn’t wish to offend, you’ve got “sheeple” written all over you as far as these jackals are concerned.

I hate that. [Read more…] about When Marketers Attack!

Why I used to like Garrison Keillor.

G. Keillor - an entertainer who is no longer entertaining
G. Keillor - an entertainer who is no longer entertaining

I love things that are funny. I’m kind of an equal-opportunity fan of humor…I love everything from lowbrow slapstick comedy to very cerebral, sophisticated humor. In 1894, I discovered Garrison Keillor and A Prairie Home Companion. I was enthralled. Here was a show and a writer/comedian who was witty in a very subtle, self-mocking way, that struck a chord in me that had heretofore been silent. I immediately sought out as much as I could find on Keillor – his books, recordings,et cetera . A couple of years later, when I heard he was taking his show on tour, I contacted the show and finagled a trip back to Baton Rouge, so I could see the show, live, and interview Keillor.

During the press conference on that Friday afternoon before the first show, I asked Keillor, “how does it feel to be in the buckle of the Bible Belt?” He looked very thoughtful and quiet, and said, “I’ll have to think about that.” Friday evening, as I sat in the audience, Keillor stepped up to the microphone to begin his monologue and said, “this morning, someone asked ‘what does it feel like to be in the buckle of the Bible Belt?’ That question was also on the mind of Senator K. Thorvalsen…” [Read more…] about Why I used to like Garrison Keillor.

Cats & Dogs & Men & Women.

For the record, I never thought I was a “cat person.” I’ve always been partial to dogs. Part of that was because you can train a dog to do what you want. You can’t tell a cat anything. (Well, you can, but not so’s he’ll listen.) When I was a kid, if we had a pet, it was a dog. (Okay. To be accurate, I once had a hamster, and a rabbit that hung himself – named “Lucky,” natch.)

Growing up in Louisiana, you have to take French lessons in school – it’s the law. I hated it, particularly the idea that nouns had gender. How in the Hell can you keep that straight? And why were all dogs “feminine” (la chien) and cats “masculine” (le chat)? I mean, there are male and female dogs, and male and female cats, right? What’s the idea of assigning an entire species a gender? [Read more…] about Cats & Dogs & Men & Women.

Homeland (In)security.

Living in Texas, I’ve given a lot of thought on the issue of homeland security, especially as it applies to the border. Admittedly, here in the Panhandle, we’re about as far away from the Mexican border as you can be, and still live in the great State of Texas. However, you might be surprised to learn that border security is an issue that has a direct effect on where I live. For instance, while the majority of the population in the Texas Panhandle is Anglo/White/Caucasian (I’m not up on what the P.C. crowd is calling us homies nowadays), the second-largest ethnic group is not Black/Afro-American/Whatever is the P.C. Term, but Hispanic. A surprisingly large percentage of our local population is comprised of those who have entered the company without the benefit of immigration papers. In other words, illegal aliens. (I’m aware the P.C. term is “undocumented workers.” That’s a load of male bovine excrement. If they are from another country and are here without following our immigration laws, they are illegal aliens.

You may have noticed in the news lately, that illegal alien immigration is way down in the past fiscal quarter. I’d love to be able to report that this is due to stepped-up patrols, the long-awaited, controversial border fence, or something we did to directly affect the problem. Nope. It’s because our economy (like the rest of the world’s, mind you) is in the baño right now. (For you gringos, that’s the toilet.) Seems as though all those low-paying jobs that are typically beneath the dignity of us naitive-borns are suddenly looking muy bueno right about now, and the depressed job market has not the siren song call to our Neighbors to the South.

Still, we need border security, to serve both economic security and national security goals. I think I have the answer, and – with appologies to Jonathan Swift – I’d like to share my idea with you.

Annex Mexico. [Read more…] about Homeland (In)security.

A Tale of Two Satires.

Over the weekend, I rented a slew of movies for me and my family. (It beat contending with the drunks and nutjobs on the road for a meaningless New Year’s celebration. When we rent movies, we get some for my daughter that we can watch as “family fare,” one that I can enjoy as a “guy thing” (in this case, Death Race), and a couple that Mrs. Digital and I can enjoy when our daughter is asleep. I chose a couple that looked promising, War, Inc. with John Cusack, and the Cohen Brothers Burn After Reading. Being a card-carrying conservative, I’m used to having to put up with movies that espouse a liberal/secular/progressive point of view, and movies that hit you over the head with their liberal’s-eye view of the world. I’m resigned to having to filter out the liberal subtexts, and laugh off the obvious, ham-handed attempts to make conservatives look stupid/incompetent/lazy/criminal. It’s not fair. I don’t like it. And I wish they wouldn’t do it. But I’m resigned to it. Having said all that, allow me to compare and contrast these two satirical flicks for your edification. [Read more…] about A Tale of Two Satires.

Resolutions.

I hate resolutions. You either want to do something or you don’t. I see no reason to wait for some arbitrary and capricious date to make some life-changing decision or to implement some behavior. However, as tradition and public opinion are decidedly against me, here are my resolutions:

  • I resolve to eat less and work out more.
  • I resolve to work smarter and not harder. 
  • I resolve to take as much pressure off my wife as possible. 
  • I will try to be  less sarcastic and more understanding.
  • I will try to be more efficient, and…
  • I resolve to stop making stupid lists, resolutions I likely won’t keep, and making resolutions just because it’s expected of me. 

Or not.

Flying blind…

I recently (four days ago, to be exact) updated the software this blog runs on, to the latest and greatest version – i.e., WordPress v.2.7. The upgrade was surprisingly easy to do, and by all appearances, went off without a hitch. Um…ALMOST without a hitch. Seems that one of the things that got trashed along the way was the settings for my Google Analytics code. Whoops.

I usually check my GA stats on a daily basis, just to see what’s going on. Check more often, and it will drive you nuts. Less frequently, and you stand to miss a trend…or a problem.

It had been four days since I’d checked my GA account. Color me “surprised” to learn that I’d (according to GA) gone from a significant readership to ZERO hits for the last four days. That’s like going from 60 to zero in, oh, about 0.0 seconds.

Once I saw the stats, I knew something was wrong. I dialed up the New! Improved! control panel, and found that my GA settings were pooched. No code – no tracking. No tracking – no results. No results – unhappy blogger.

I’ve restored the tracking code, and all should be right in my world.

But I’ll keep checking. As Joe Bob Briggs (Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas) says, “Without eternal vigilance, it can happen here.”

CSS Hell.

If, as Voltaire once opined, “God is a comedian, playing to an audience afraid to laugh,” then CSS (Cascading Style Sheets for you non-nerds in the audience) were written by Geeks as some kind of convoluted “you can’t get there from here” joke on the rest of us. I’m sure God finds it funny. I don’t. 

Back when the World (Wide Web) was young, all you needed to create websites was a copy of Notepad, a copy of Photoshop, and nerves of steel. Creating anything past the simlest of pages was a study in frustration. Editing or updating a page was worse. Torture. Client requests to “make all the body copy one point larger” could make the strongest web geek’s blood run cold. Make strong men cry. Turn weaker men to ashes. You get the picture. 

Then along came CSS. The promised land for web designers – style sheets, where you could divorce the data from the style elements. Create the pages once, then change one line of code in a style sheet and watch the changes ripple through the other pages, as if my magic. 

That was the promise. The reality is something else. [Read more…] about CSS Hell.