A Plan for Guns That Works.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON, April 18, 2021 – The White House has announced a new initiative regarding guns, answering critics on the right who point out that criminals do not obey gun laws, no matter how “common sense” they are, or how well-intentioned. White House Spokesperson Jenn Psaki stated, “President* Biden has noted the resistance to his common sense gun bans…er…um…gun reforms from the Right, with the pundits pointing out that laws only affect law-abiding citizens. So we’ve come up with a plan that will address these concerns. We call it, ‘Midnight Range Time.'”

Psaki continued, “It’s like Bill Clinton’s proposal for ‘midnight basketball.’ We’ll get gun ranges to open from midnight to 4 AM, just for gang members, gang bangers, thugs, and other criminals. We’ll have instructors, on-sight, to teach them gun safety and control.” Psaki explained, “Our goal is, first and foremost, to teach these criminals gun control – to hit where they aim…this alone should reduce the number of innocent bystanders killed in drive-by’s.” Psaki continued, “There’s a couple of dividends from the plan, too. This will keep the criminals off the streets during what’s considered ‘prime time’ for crime, between midnight and 4 AM. And, of course, once we’ve disarmed the law-abiding citizens, these citizens will realize that the criminals are now well-trained, and have a much better chance of killing them in a confrontation, and will therefore make it much more likely that they will surrender rather than fight back.” The Biden Administration* will concurrently release guidelines for the reform of local, county and state laws, reclassifying the voluntary surrender of assets during armed robbery as a “charitable contribution,” thereby instantly reducing the crime stats, and helping reinforce the message that the Biden Administration* is “tough on crime.” In a pre-recorded video shot before his nap time, President* Biden remarked that, “Other countries like China take a similar approach to crime. Come on, man – the only gun violence in China comes from the police and the army, as it should be.”

In an unrelated story, the Biden Administration* announced that, from here forward, the President’s* home office should be referred to as the “Beige House” as the term “White House” has too many negative connotations as a racist symbol of White Privilege. Plans are afoot to repaint the exterior a deep, rich tan, the minute that Vice President* Kamala Harris returns from her forced sabbatical to assume the Presidency, at which time the building will be referred to as the “Tan House.”

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