Terrorism with a Happy (Bureaucratic) Face

U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services

Thank you, please be seated. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Abby Normale-Pharse, and I’m the Under-Under Secretary of the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service, and I am the bureaucrat in charge of the Bureau of Undocumented, Radicalized Islamic Affairs. I’m very pleased today to announce a new program, that we in the Obama Administration believe will have a dramatic effect on reducing terrorism in this formerly-great nation of ours. We call it, the Terrorist Reintegration and Immigration Program, or “TRIP” for short. 

Because we believe, passionately, that it is morally wrong to prevent anyone who wants to become a citizen from doing so, we’ve initiated this revolutionary program by virtue of Executive Order, that will allow tens of thousands of undocumented sleeper-cell terrorists to come out of the shadows, into the light, and become full citizens of the United States, with all the privileges that accompany citizenship. They’ll have the right to vote, hold public office, receive welfare benefits and other entitlements, get driver’s licenses, even sign up for trade schools, where they can better themselves, training for employment as police officers, firemen, and commercial airline pilots.

You might ask, “Isn’t using the word ‘terrorist’ to describe these potential citizens a bit racist and derogatory?” Well, ordinarily, we’d agree. But when we test-marketed this program in Waco, Texas, Chattanooga, Tennessee, and a suburb of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, we found that the people we wanted to help simply didn’t come forward, because the language we were using was just too confusing. We found they don’t think of themselves as “foreign-born freedom fighters,” or “heroic but misunderstood defenders of their faith and way of life.” And frankly, that made the titles on our business cards too long. So we eventually settled on calling them “terrorists” so we could maximize the effectiveness of the program.

Some might wonder why we would grant citizenship to those who would do harm to our country. We say to these narrow-minded racists and bigots, a resounding “SHUT UP!” and we explained to them that this is all a key component in the War on “Man-Caused Contingency Disasters,” and “Kinetic Paramilitary Actions.”  You see, if our focus groups have taught us anything, it’s that words matter, and symbolism is far more important than actual action. Take the word “terrorist” for example. If you in the media run a story about an  “Islamic radicalized terrorist” who “slips into the country, undetected” and plans an attack on our public infrastructure, our poll numbers go down, and people get really, really upset. But if your story focuses on “domestic terror,” that’s something our test groups feel is both unavoidable and an acceptable part of life. So we opted to create program where we can naturalize these so-called ‘terrorists’ and grant them citizenship. That way, if they do blow up a jetliner, shoot up a military base, or mow down people in a shopping mall, we can accurately claim that this is an example of domestic terror. And we found that, once we explained our program to the naysayers, that most of them got it. The rest are coming along nicely at our reeducation camps, generously funded by FEMA.

We’ve also discovered that providing them with new identities is the best way to help them assimilate into society undetected. So with the help of our friends in the FBI’s Witness Protection Program, we’ll be providing them with new names, new birth records, new Social Security numbers, new, U.S. Passports, TSA PreCheck lists, and altered computer records showing them as members of a radical, right-wing group, like the Tea Party, the NRA, and the Rotary Club. This way, should one of them successfully carry out their plans, we can show the media that they are really just another example of angry, fat white guys that just want to blow up something to prove a point. Some have pointed out that many of these individuals are pigmentally-challenged. But we feel confident that if the public can buy off on the “White Hispanic” thing, nobody will blink an eye in these instances.

But we’re not going to stop there! We’re in the final stages of creating a program for these new citizens that will be something like the old Peace Corps. The purpose of this new group is to give members job titles to work that will be ambiguous and flexible, so that when a man-caused disaster does occur, we can claim that the domestic terrorist worked there, which allows us to call it another incident of “workplace violence.” Nothing calms down an electorate like believing the perp was just some white, disgruntled bozo with a grudge. We don’t have a name yet – and no, we’re not going to call it the Piece Corpse. (Seriously…I swear, Obama never said that. And it’s a little maudlin, don’t you think?)

So, once again remember the name: the TRIP program – with a goal to completely assimilate foreign-born radicals into the fabric of our society, before they get a chance to burn it to the ground without first giving us political cover. Once implemented, we feel sure that instead of hearing our new citizens shouting “Allah Akbar!” you’ll see them smile, gesture, and shout a friendly, “What a TRIP!”…right before they press the detonator.

Questions?

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