Scouting Today.

Hello, and we’d like to welcome you to this emergency meeting of the Kiowa Council of the Boy Scouts of America. As the Chairman of your Equality Compliance Committee, I’ve been charged with overseeing the transition of our organization into one that will be a model of politically-correct thought for the new millennium. As you might expect, there are a lot of changes in store for the Scouts. I’m sure you’ve heard rumors. We’ll I’m here to put all those rumors to rest. We have a crack team of experts on ethics, working ’round the clock to insure that we move to the cutting edge of correct thought.

Speaking of “cutting edge,” now that we’ve banned firearms (including the ‘gateway drug’ weapons like water guns, Nerf® guns, rubber band guns, and PopTarts® shaped like guns), it’s time to ban all weapons, including the iconic Boy Scout knife. It’s simply not safe to encourage children to carry a weapon like that around with them. Someone might get hurt! And our network of volunteer Scoutmasters simply don’t have the training to instruct children on the proper way to handle dangerous weapons. So from here on out, knives are banned, and when a Scout sees a knife, he’s instructed to back away from the area slowly, then run and get his Scoutmaster.

Excuse me a moment…I’m getting a text from our crack team of experts…

Um, our experts have pointed out that a knife is a pretty important tool for camping, whittling neckerchief slides, and such. That’s an excellent point. So from now on, all activities that require knives are hereby banned. We’ll replace things like carving wood with more innocuous and safer activities, like butter carving, which you can do with a plastic knife from your local fast food restaurant.

Whoops…hang on…another text message.

Our experts pointed out that butter-carving is a big problem. First of all, it will offend the vegans in our organization. But even if we used artificial butter substitutes, the plasticware is made from evil petrochemical products, and of course, should any of the scouts eat the merchandise, so to speak, we could be encouraging obesity. So that’s out.

Many of you have asked about the time-honored tradition of leather crafts. That’s banned, as of today. It’s horrific that we as an organization have encouraged and promoted the butchery of bovine-Americans, sacrificed on the altar of violence, all for their skins. We looked into substituting other materials, but plastic is out because of it’s petrochemical origins. We thought about fabric and other natural materials, but our ethics team has some disturbing evidence that plants have feelings, which could make anything made from plants problematic. Best to just skip it entirely.

Now let’s turn our attention to demographics. We’ve decided that we need to make the Scouts reflect the demographics of this great nation of ours. So from here on out, each troop must be reflective of our nation’s populace. For every white kid we let in, your troops must have one African-American scout, and one or more drawn from a pool of Asian-Americans, Latino-Americans, and other minority groups. We also must be gender-inclusive. The name “BOY” Scouts is offensive to many. So we’ll be dropping that part of the name, so we can include not just boys, but gays, lesbians, trans-genders, cross-dressers, bi-sexuals, tri-sexuals, and those who’s gender identity is in flux. Our uniforms will be modified to accommodate these trends in gender identity. The whole gender/race/creed thing is causing us no end of problems, because some of these minorities are so scarce. In fact, if you can locate a trans-gender-queer, mixed race kid who is differentially-abled, PLEASE notify the council offices…we may have to enlist him/her/other into more than one troop, in order to achieve parity.

Excuse me…another message from our crack team of standards-setters…

It seems that the word “America” is offensive to some of our Muslim scouts, so in the future, we’ll be known simply as the “Scouts.” I’m told that we’ve come to a cash settlement with representatives with our Native American tribal leaders, so we shouldn’t have any further problems with the name “Scouts.” In order to appease this much-maligned group, we’ve agreed to stop using any and all “Indian” names in or organization. Therefore the Kiowa Council will be known in the future as the Kalifornia Council.

Of course, since the word “America” is offensive, so is the flag of this nation of ours. In order to not intimidate anyone, we’ve elected to wipe it from our organization completely. Of course, then there’s the issue of uniforms…I understand that uniforms intimidate people, and the last thing we want to do is to intimidate anyone. So we’ve decided that banning uniforms would be for the best.

Um…yes, they’ll be time for questions later. Please hold all…what? Oh, all right. Since you insist, I’ll take one question now. Let me repeat it so everyone can hear. “If we can’t wear uniforms, carve neckerchief slides, go camping, sing songs, or do anything else without offending someone, exactly what is it we will do as scouts?”

That’s a rather snarky question, sir, and I think it shows a real lack of enthusiasm for the New Scouts. We’ll want your troop number, and will meet with you after the event here. Our Sergeant at Arms will escort you right now to our re-education facility for ‘debriefing.’

But this former scoutmaster brings up an excellent point – just what will you do as Scouts? Well, good news, you can still go camping! Yes, now of course. there will be some changes. First of all, no tents (those are made from petrochemicals). So instead, you’ll have to find caves to sleep in. Now, of course, these caves will have to be EPA-approved, as we can’t afford to displace any species, especially if they are endangered. No campfires – that would harm our fragile ecosystem, and encourage and promote climate change, not to mention the problematic nature of fuel. I’d suggest you huddle together for warmth, but be sure to forbid scouts from actually touching. That could result in an expensive sexual-harassement suit. And remember to organize the scouts to avoid more than one white kid being side-by-side. Don’t want to encourage any micro-aggression.

Campfire songs, jokes and stories are all off-limits. Too great of a risk of politically-incorrect speech. In fact, it’s probably best that the campers simply stay silent and listen to the sounds of nature. Should they encounter a predator, they are instructed to submit to their aggression. Animals are people too, and who are we to deny them their food source or their natural impulses at territorial imperatives?

Then there’s the oath and pledge. Obviously, we’ve banned the Pledge of Allegiance, as being far too racist, jingoistic, and militant. Who are we to presume that our nation is the greatest on the Earth, or to ask some imaginary deity to rule over us. Ridiculous! And that oath is equally nauseaous:

On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake and morally straight.

I shouldn’t need to remind you that “honor” is an antiquated concept. “Duty” is, too. Who are we to tell anyone that they have a duty to some deity or to their country, historically a group run by a bunch of racist white guys? Please! Then there’s obedience. Totally subjective concept. Helping people may be a worthwhile goal, but the whole “physically strong,” “mentally awake” and “morally straight” is such a downer. Better we should just ditch the whole oath thing, and make behavior an optional thing.

Then there’s the motto. I don’t know where to start:

A Scout is:

  • Trustworthy,
  • Loyal,
  • Helpful,
  • Friendly,
  • Courteous,
  • Kind,
  • Obedient,
  • Cheerful,
  • Thrifty,
  • Brave,
  • Clean,
  • and Reverent.

Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, and cheerful are all totally subjective constructs. Far too often they turn into “tattletale, blindly trusting, ingratiating, sycophantic, smarmy, condescending, obsequious, and obnoxious. “Thrifty” is a buzzword for “cheap.” Bravery is a word that conquerors use to describe their subjugation of others. “Clean”? That discriminates against those who prefer to go native. And reverent? To whom? I think we replace this with “A Scout is…no better or worse than anyone else, and avoids conflict, and any behavior that might offend anybody else.” That should do it!

Last, but not least, let’s talk about these so-called “merit badges.” The entire concept is odious, as it makes scouts who do not do the work to earn these badges feel inferior. We first thought that the best course of action would be to take points from those who work for their badges, and redistribute them to those who don’t. But then we thought, badges? Badges?! Who needs stinkin’ badges? Thus, we have immediately banned all merit badges, and along with them, the concept of rank. It’s far too intimidating for a child to strive to become an Eagle Scout. Better simply to give every member of your troop the rank of Egalitarian Scout, so they can all feel good about themselves.

We hope you are enthused about the future of Scouting. We are. Now please line up for the mandatory Polygraph tests on your way out. Those who pass are free to go. Those who do not, will be joining the scoutmaster who had the question, in our re-education room for processing. Have a nice day!

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