Handicapping the Oscars.

Do you love movies? I used to. Hooray for Hollywood and all that. It used to be our best export – American culture via movies was the original nation-building exercise. Even countries that hate us loved our entertainment. Today, things are different. I’m ashamed of most of the America-bashing, far-Left ideology-spewing, self-absorbed naval gazing, crapalicious dreck coming out of Hollywood nowadays. And I’m not alone. Movie attendance is way, way down in the so-called “Red States,” and the number-one with a car bomb objection raised by Islamic fundamentalist nutjobs is the “decadent” entertainment designed to break down traditional cultures – like theres. I used to enjoy watching the Oscar ceremony, pulling for my favorite movies, directors, actors and actresses. Not anymore. I haven’t watched – or cared about – the Oscars in years. Between Hollywood nominating a bunch of movies I wouldn’t see on a bet (movies that mock my values, like Brokeback Mountain) and nominating a bunch of actors and actresses with little talent, less common sense, willing to loudly bray their opinions about George Bush, the Right, and how everything wrong with the world is Halliburton’s and Chenney’s fault. After a while it gets old.

Then I realized that I had the perfect formula to predict who would win the Oscars.

As a public service to my readers, I am presenting my Oscar predictions for 2009. Note: I’ve never done this before. None of these picks will be the ones I want to see win, or ones I would vote for – but I’ll bet a dinner at Kirby’s (a favorite Dallas steakhouse of mine) that my predictions will be dead-on.

Best Animated Feature of the Year

The nominees are Bolt, Kung Fu Panda, and WALL-E. I missed Bolt, but the only liberal thing it’s got going for it is that Scientologist John Travolta voices the lead character. Kung Fu Panda, likewise has Jesus-basher Jack Black in the lead. Neither picture appears to promote liberal values in the script – no collectivist nonsense, no triumph of the liberal human spirit, no affirmation of the superiority of liberal ideals. Nope the obvious pick here is WALL-E, the Walmart-bashing, ecoNazi-friendly tale of an effeminate robot (hey…he worships Hello Dolly, the musical), his femBot gal pal, and how he single-handedly saves a slothful human race from extinction.

Predicted winner: WALL-E. Who I wish would win: Don’t care…a bad year for animation.

Best Adapted Screenplay

The nominees are The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Doubt, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, and Slumdog Millionaire. Frankly, I’ve not seen any of these films…none of them appealed to me enough to part with the ridiculous amount of money it takes to see a movie today. However, I can tell you who is likely to win, anyway. Frost/Nixon will walk away with it. Why? Because there’s nothing liberal love more than kicking Dick Nixon. They love that more than bashing Bush, hating Conservatives, and promoting Socialism combined. A slam-dunk.

Predicted winner: Frost/Nixon. Who I wish would win: Who cares?

Best Original Screenplay

The nominees are Frozen River, Happy-Go-Lucky, In Bruges, Milk, WALL-E. I’ve actually seen both In Bruges and WALL-E. In Bruges is possibly the worst movie I’ve seen in the last decade. Seriously. It was total crap. WALL-E is a tribute to the green crowd. But the clear winner here is Milk. For those of you who don’t remember, Harvey Milk was the first openly-gay man to run and win a spot on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. He, along with Mayor George Moscone, was shot and killed by a disturbed former member of the board, Dan White. Nothing like martyrhood to cement a reputation. With noted liberal wingut Sean Penn in the title role, this one’s a lock.

Predicted winner: Milk. Who I wish would win: As long as In Bruges loses, I’m satisfied.

Best Supporting Actor

The nominees are Josh Brolin in Milk, Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder, Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Doubt, Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight, and Michael Shannon in Revolutionary Road. Ordinarily, I’d have said Josh Brolin would walk away with this, as he’s a certified lib, with excellent bona fides  (Babs Striesand is his Monster-in-Law), but I gotta go with Heath Ledger. The ultimate method actor, he played an insane guy so well, the role apparently drove him insane, leading to his own accidental death. Ledger was a promising actor (check), died young (check), died from a tragic accident (check) and turned in the performance of a lifetime (check) dying before the movie was released, thus driving up interest in the movie (double-check). The only knock against him is that Hollywood typically doesn’t like movies that people actually want to see, movies based on comic books, and movies that are allegories for conservative Presidents doing the right thing for the people, in spite of what it will do to his own reputation (can you say “George Bush,” children? I knew you could.)Robert Downey Jr. gave brilliant performances this year in both Tropic Thunder and Iron Man. He didn’t get nominated for Iron Man (pity), but I doubt he’ll win for Tropic Thunder – the script may have been “inside Baseball” for Hollywood, but it was ultimately too full of conservative values, and Hollyweird is uncomfortable with any war movie that doesn’t diss the war – and America’s role in it.

Predicted winner: Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight, by a hair. Who I wish would win: Heath Ledger or Robert Downey Jr.

Best Supporting Actress

The nominees: Amy Adams in Doubt, Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Viola Davis in Doubt, Taraji P. Henson in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler.

This one’s a toss-up. I can’t think of any of these actresses that have made any excessively-liberal or whackjob secular-humanist statements. Come on, ladies…you’re not trying hard enough! Don’t any of you want to win?

Predicted winner: a toss-up. Who I’d like to see win: Amy Adams, but only because she was amazing in Enchanted. And the Oscars have long and noble history of rewarding people for other roles than the one’s for which they’ve been nominated.

Best Actress

The nominees: Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married, Angelina Jolie in Changeling, Melissa Leo in Frozen River, Meryl Streep in  Doubt, Kate Winslet in The Reader.

From what I hear, this is between Anne Hathaway and Angelina Jolie. I don’t care. Both are fun to look at (although, frankly, the tattoos are a BIG turnoff for me), and both actresses seem to be trying to out-liberal each other. Oftentimes, Academy voters vote for the personality more than the performance. What I suspect is that Hathaway’s and Jolie’s karma will cancel each other out, and either Streep or Winslet (both accomplished actresses). We’ll see. Keep in mind, Streep is the poster child for liberal causes.

Predicted winner: Streep in an upset. Who I’d like to see win: I couldn’t care less.

Best Actor

Richard Jenkins in The Visitor, Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon, Sean Penn in Milk, Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

This one’s tough to call. You’ve got Langella portraying the ultimate target of the left, Richard Nixon, Sean Penn portraying gay icon Harvey Milk, Hearthrob Brad Pitt, has-been Mickey Rourke, and some guy I’ve never heard of.  Some argue that the Academy will reward what passes for Hollywood Royalty, giving the nod to Pitt and his common law squeeze, adulteress/homewrecker Jolie. I don’t agree. Some think they’ll reward Mickey Rourke for a comeback, as everybody loves a “loser makes good” story. Nope. I think the battle will be between gay love and a hate for Nixon.

Predicted winner: Langella for playing a guy liberals confuse with a vampire. Who I’d like to see win: Nobody.

Best Director

The nominees are: Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire, Stephen Daldry for The Reader, David Fincher for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Ron Howard for Frost/Nixon, and Gus Van Sant for Milk.

I don’t care. I have no plans to see any of these movies. I might catch Benjamin Button a year from now, when it’s on Encore, but I’m not paying to see any of these flicks. Pity they didn’t nominate a director who did something I was interested in seeing.

Predicted winner: Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire. Who I think should win: Jon Favreau for Iron Man or Ben Stiller for Tropic Thunder.

Best Picture

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire.

Again, the Academy chose to pass over entertaining flicks like The Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder and Iron Man, and nominate a bunch of liberal crap. What could be entertaining regarding the race is to see the liberals that hate Nixon cancel out the gays that love Milk. We may see Slumdog Millionaire benefit from this. Or not.

Predicted winner: Slumdog Millionaire. Who I wish would win: The Dark Knight.

And there you have it, movie fans. A bunch of self-satisfied, self-absorbed secular-progressives, dressing up in play clothes to slap each other on the back and convince themselves that they are wonderful, doing Really Important Work. Give me a break.

One more prediction…this year’s Oscar ceremony will be watched by fewer people than ever before. Because outside of Hollywood and a few liberal elites, nobody cares.

Leave a Reply