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Recession-(80)Proof.

Adult Beverages, anyone?
Adult Beverages, anyone?

While visiting my father in Shreveport last week, I took time out to have lunch with a friend/former student. I asked him how the “mortgage crisis,” “economic crisis,” and “banking crisis.” He said he’s not really seen any ill-effects. That’s largely due to two factors – first, the recession is not nearly the “crisis” that the ObamaNation would have you believe it is (remember what Rahmbo said, “you don’t want t let a crisis go to waste”), and that my buddy owns a chain of liquor stores.

Beer, wine and distilled spirits are the original recession-proof commodity. Beer is “nature’s off switch” for millions. Tough day at work? Hit the off switch. Need to relax? Off switch. Wanna party? Off switch. Wine is generally thought of as a more sophisticated drink, usually a lubricant for dining. Then there’s the distilled spirits group. If beer is nature’s off switch, then liquor is the go-to beverage for just about any extreme emotion. Lose your job? Get a raise? Bad news? In these situations, beer is for amateurs. Liquor, ounce for ounce, packs more punch for less swallowing. And unlike beer (which comes only in “beer flavor”), you can get hooch in a wide variety of flavors, everything from mouthwash flavors (schnapps) to paint stripper (scotch) to drinks that will blind you in one eye and make you say “arrrggh” a lot (rum). [Read more…] about Recession-(80)Proof.

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I Didn’t Watch the Oscars.

The little gold bald guy.
The little gold bald guy.

Couldn’t care less, frankly. Hard for me to get interested in a bunch of self-centered, egotistical, spoiled brats, running around and playing dress-up, slapping each other on the back for how “naughty” and “provocative” they were over the past year. Think of it as a video documentary of detention at an overpriviledged high school, on an afternoon when the entire Drama Club has been nailed for cheating.

However, I digress. Back on Valentine’s Day, I stuck my neck out, and for the first time ever, made Oscar predictions. Today, children, we’ll review my predictions, the actual results, and how well I did.

CATEGORY MY PREDICTION THE WINNER… COMMENTS
Best Picture Slumdog Millionaire Slumdog Millionaire Told ‘ya.
Best Actor Sean Penn for Milk Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon Prooving conclusively that Hollywood’s first allegiance is to gays, second to liberals. I’ll know better next time.
Best Actress Meryl Streep in Doubt Kate Winslet for The Reader Missed this one. But you gotta admit, by my logic, it’s hard to count out the Alar Queen. Don’t know much about Winslet’s politics, but she had that “often a bridesmaid, never a bride” thing going for her.
Best Supporting Actor Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight Told ‘ya. Everybody loves a talent, especially when they tragically assume room temperature before their time.
Best Supporting Actress Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona A toss-up Okay…I weasled on this one. But seriously…did anybody care?
Best Director Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire Another slam-dunk. No way they’re gonna give Opie an Oscar this year, and they probably still hold a grudge against Gus Van Sant for the remake of Psycho.
Best Original Screenplay Milk Milk Hey…In Bruges lost. I’m happy.
Best Adapted Screenplay Frost/Nixon Slumdog Millionaire A triumph for liberal principles over conservative bashing. Who woulda thunk it?
Best Animated Film WALL•E WALL•E The film with the most progressive theme – humans are evil, and are destroying the planet. Especially those evill Walmart guys. A valentine to the Greenie ecoNazis.

My success rate was 5.5 out of 9 (I’m giving myself a half-point on the Best Supporting Actress), or just under 66%. That’s better odds, by the way, than you’d get from a stockbroker, weatherman, or Vegas handicapper. I think I’m on to something here. In fact, with just a couple of minor tweaks to the way I interpreted the data, I would have gotten 7 or 8 out of 9. Ah well…there’s always next year.

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On Hospitals.

There’s a certain amount of irony in any hospital stay. First of all, what sadistic bozo invented hospital gowns? I’ve seen thong bikinis that afford more modesty, and as far as comfort goes, the idea of a permanent draft down your back is not my idea of a good time. Of course, hospital gowns are the least of your worries if you’re admitted to one of our temples of healing. As I write this, my sister and I are sitting in what is quaintly referred to as a “pre-op” room, waiting for our father to be wheeled into surgery. He’s gowned up, with the IV drip at the ready, all undressed, with nowhere to go. Apparently, Thursday is the “All You Can Sew” day in the operating room, so they’ve got victims patients stacked up like cordwood, awaiting their turn under the knife. This wouldn’t be so bad, but when you’re to go under a general anesthetic, you can’t eat for at least eight hours prior to surgery. In a show of solidarity, neither my sis nor I ate either, so between the three of us, even hospital food is gaining a certain, desperate appeal. [Read more…] about On Hospitals.

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The Crisis President.

The Annointed One
The Annointed One

Every President eventually gets known as the “_________ President.” (Fill in the blank.) Most Presidents start their term wanting to stand for something, and then find that they get pegged with something else. For instance, think back to the days before 9/11. George Bush entered the White House wanting to be knonw as the “Education President.” It’s actually a little soon to know exactly how he’ll be remembered by historians, but right now, I’d vote for the “War on Terror President.” That brings us to the White House’s current occupant…

If I was going to guess about a title for The Big O, it would be “The Crisis President.” Not, mind you, because we’re in bad shape. Quite the contrary – if you look at inflation, unemployment, the stock market, gas prices, et all, Ronald Reagan took office at a time where our country’s situation looked a lot worse. As in much, MUCH worse. But Reagan got tagged as “The Great Communicator” because he both knew how to speak, and because he knew how to make people proud of their country again (after four years of “The Morass President,” Jimmy Carter).  No, I suspect Obama will be known as The Crisis President, because he uses the bloody word in just about every sentence in every address, every time he speaks publicly. [Read more…] about The Crisis President.

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The Decline and Fall of the American Family.

Right up front, lemme say that I’m on the side of those that treasure traditional values – family, religion, country…that sort of thing. I’m a huge believer in the sanctity of the family. In fact, I believe that the family answers to God first. I believe that the government is supposed to work for us – not us for them. And I believe that Parents are the ultimate authority (after God) over their kids – not the State.

Unfortunately for all of us, that is directly opposite from the philosophy of our new President and his administration.

Even worse, there’s been a group actively working on softening us all up, in preparation for the Obama administration’s big push towards Socialism. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Hollywood. [Read more…] about The Decline and Fall of the American Family.

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When Marketers Attack!

I’m in Dallas tonight, an overnight stop on a trip home. I went to Stonebriar Mall to find a replacement case for my crapalicious Window Mobile phone (Never again. Just trust me on this…you do NOT want a Windows Mobile anything. Ever). So I’m walking along, minding my own business, and suddenly I’m accosted by a mall cart sales rep, offering me a free sample of something I don’t want and don’t need. I wave him off. Not to be deterred, he says “can I ask you a question?,” and starts to invade my personal space. Oh, but I’m ready for him this time. “Nope. Sorry…In a hurry…gotta keep moving…thanks anyway,” I say, as I power walk away. You see, I’ve been here before – literally and situationally. The mall cart salesreps are the slimy underbelly of live sales. They prey on people who respond to a question like that with a naive willingness to answer what they think is a reasonable request. If you’re the type that doesn’t wish to offend, you’ve got “sheeple” written all over you as far as these jackals are concerned.

I hate that. [Read more…] about When Marketers Attack!

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Why I used to like Garrison Keillor.

G. Keillor - an entertainer who is no longer entertaining
G. Keillor - an entertainer who is no longer entertaining

I love things that are funny. I’m kind of an equal-opportunity fan of humor…I love everything from lowbrow slapstick comedy to very cerebral, sophisticated humor. In 1894, I discovered Garrison Keillor and A Prairie Home Companion. I was enthralled. Here was a show and a writer/comedian who was witty in a very subtle, self-mocking way, that struck a chord in me that had heretofore been silent. I immediately sought out as much as I could find on Keillor – his books, recordings,et cetera . A couple of years later, when I heard he was taking his show on tour, I contacted the show and finagled a trip back to Baton Rouge, so I could see the show, live, and interview Keillor.

During the press conference on that Friday afternoon before the first show, I asked Keillor, “how does it feel to be in the buckle of the Bible Belt?” He looked very thoughtful and quiet, and said, “I’ll have to think about that.” Friday evening, as I sat in the audience, Keillor stepped up to the microphone to begin his monologue and said, “this morning, someone asked ‘what does it feel like to be in the buckle of the Bible Belt?’ That question was also on the mind of Senator K. Thorvalsen…” [Read more…] about Why I used to like Garrison Keillor.

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Cats & Dogs & Men & Women.

For the record, I never thought I was a “cat person.” I’ve always been partial to dogs. Part of that was because you can train a dog to do what you want. You can’t tell a cat anything. (Well, you can, but not so’s he’ll listen.) When I was a kid, if we had a pet, it was a dog. (Okay. To be accurate, I once had a hamster, and a rabbit that hung himself – named “Lucky,” natch.)

Growing up in Louisiana, you have to take French lessons in school – it’s the law. I hated it, particularly the idea that nouns had gender. How in the Hell can you keep that straight? And why were all dogs “feminine” (la chien) and cats “masculine” (le chat)? I mean, there are male and female dogs, and male and female cats, right? What’s the idea of assigning an entire species a gender? [Read more…] about Cats & Dogs & Men & Women.

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Winners…and Winners.

Well, the Steelers pulled it out. At the last minute (well, within the last minute). They are now the winning-est franchise in NFL history. (Which means the Cowboys have GOT to get on the stick and win some more Super Bowls.) But the Cardinals are winners in my book, too. They kept it competitive all the way through the game, and never quit. They had something to prove – that a 9 and 7 team belonged in the big game as something more than a fluke. And prove it they did – they were way more competitive than I’d expected. With a decent season next year, they will finally be able to drive a stake through that ‘curse’ that has put them as perennial losers. They looked like a franchise that could have easily won it all. Next year, they just might. All in all, a good game, an interesting game. And a game that they’ll likely be talking about for years to come. Nice job, gentlemen. On both sides of the field.

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TyperActive.

I love typography. Always have. From a very early age, I’ve been fascinated with letterforms. When I was in elementary school, I used to rubber-band two pencils together to create a crude way to draw Blackletter (a.k.a. “Old English”) lettering on posters. While other kids decorated their textbook’s book covers with drawings of muscle cars, military tanks or alien spacecraft, I decorated mine with words in a variety of typefaces. Blackletter, calligraphy, Cooper Black, Bodoni, Futura – you name it, and I experimented with it. As I grew into a career as a freelance artist, I discovered that typefaces could provide a subtext (no pun intended) to ad copy and headlines. The face I chose to design something had the power to communicate meaning, context, and even tell people how to think about the words on the printed page, before they’d even read them.

Waaaaay cool. [Read more…] about TyperActive.

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