Last week, I’d read where Pamela Geller’s group was staging a “Mohammed Cartoon Contest” in little ol’ Garland, Texas, just on the Eastern border of the DFW Metroplex.
First thing that popped into my head wasn’t “Wow…I wonder what kinds of cartoons they’ll come up with.” Nor was it, “I should do a cartoon and enter the contest.” (No problem with that…just too busy to do it.) No, my first thought was “I wonder if they’ll be a radical Islamic attack on the event.
I needn’t have wondered. Of COURSE there would be.
I don’t remember a bunch of radical Christian groups firebombing the gallery that displayed a piece of art called “Piss Christ” – a photo of a crucifix supposedly dipped into a jar of urine.
I don’t remember Jews anywhere in the world rioting when Arab media outlets printed or broadcast pieces characterizing Jews as “apes” and “subhuman” or questioning their humanity.
But I do remember the death of Theo Van Gogh, the staff of the French humor magazine Charlie Hebdo, and countless other radical Muslims killing people, claiming that they (or somebody) had offended the name of the prophet Mohammed.
So I guess it was kind of a safe bet that something would happen in Garland. And the radical idiots did not disappoint, if you can use that turn of phrase in connection with two of them shooting up the parking lot, and getting shot and killed for their trouble.
Yep. Garland PD was ready for them (and I’m glad they were). Apparently, the only ‘good guy’ casualty was a security guard who was wounded in the leg, and is recovering at a local hospital.
Of course, the FBI came in, and detained all the attendees, so they could question them. I imagine the questioning went something like this:
FBI: Sate your name, please.
ATTENDEE: Puddin’ N. Tame.
FBI: Mr. Tame, do you have any knowledge about the incident of workplace violence outside this event?
ATTENDEE: Workplace violence?
FBI: Yes, Mr. Tame, shots were fired outside the exhibit hall.
ATTENDEE: Oh, THAT’S what that noise was.
FBI: So are you aware of any connection with the suspects and this event?
ATTENDEE: No, I already told you, I didn’t know about any attack until you just told me.
FBI: Are you certain?
ATTENDEE: Ask me again, and I’ll tell you the same.
FBI: Mr. Tame, why were you here today.
ATTENDEE: They were staging a cartoon contest. I came out to look at the cartoons.
FBI: Were you aware of the subject matter of the cartoons.
ATTENDEE: Why yes. They are all cartoons about the “prophet” Mohammed.
FBI: Mr. Tame, why do you make those little squiggly motions up and down with your index and middle fingers of both hands, when you say the word “prophet.”
ATTENDEE: It’s a visual metaphor for sarcasm. They’re supposed to be ironic quotation marks.
FBI: Mr. Tame, for civilians, sarcasm falls under the category of humor, and we have that beaten out of us at the academy. I’m afraid I don’t understand.
ATTENDEE: Look, Agent…what did you say your name was again?
FBI: I’m Special Agent Oscar Blivius.
ATTENDEE: May I see your credentials. I don’t doubt you…just never seen an FBI man’s badge up close.
FBI: Certainly, sir.
ATTENDEE: Well would you look at that. There it is in black and white…Special Agent O. Blivius. It all makes sense now.
FBI: What’s that sir?
ATTENDEE: Never mind. So you were asking about the quotation marks. See, I’m a Christian, and when it comes right down to it, I don’t believe that Mohammed was a prophet of any kind. False prophet, perhaps. But even that’s a stretch. Reading his history, I think he was a scam artist, and probably more than a little not right in the head. So I don’t see any reason to accord him a title like “the one true prophet.”
FBI: Now, see Mr. Tame, there you go with the squiggly hand signs again. You sure those aren’t “gang signs”?
ATTENDEE: No. They’re not. And now YOUR’E doing it.
FBI: Oh…um…yes. It’s contagious.
ATTENDEE: It is. So anyway, I cam to the event to see what all the fuss was about. I mean, nobody gets their nose bent outta joint when somebody publishes a sacrilegious cartoon about Jesus. Hell, the mainstream media makes jokes about Jesus every day. But for some reason, these Muslims think that their guy is off-limits. I think that’s silly. So I came to support the event.
FBI: I see.
ATTENDEE: I have a question for you, now. Why are you calling this shooting “workplace violence”? Did the gunmen work here?
FBI: No. We’ve established that they didn’t.
ATTENDEE: Did they ever work here?
FBI: No.
ATTENDEE: Have you established a connection between them and this location? Were they, by any chance, um…Muslims?
FBI: We haven’t determined that. The witnesses heard them saying things like “Allah Akbar!” and “Death to America” and “Those who insult the prophet must die!” but we don’t see that as significant.
ATTENDEE: Aren’t your fingers getting tired from all that quoting?
FBI: No. Yes. I mean…
ATTENDEE: So how can you characterize this as workplace violence?
FBI: People work here, don’t they?
ATTENDEE: Yes. It’s a public facility.
FBI: And shooting up a place is violence, right?
ATTENDEE: Yes…but…
FBI: So this is workplace violence. Case closed.
ATTENDEE: Hang on for a second. What did they look like?
FBI: We don’t generally make observations like that…we have a policy against racial profiling.
ATTENDEE: But you did SEE them, right?
FBI: Yes…
ATTENDEE: And I’m just guessing here, but I’ll take a stab in the dark and say that they were olive-complected males, ages 20 to 35, with facial hair, wearing what looks like an overgrown, knit yamcha on their heads.
FBI: Mr. Tame, what are you not telling us? That’s a dead-on description of both of the deceased.
ATTENDEE: So you don’t think that maybe…perhaps this wasn’t workplace violence, but instead a terrorist attack by radicalized Islamic fundamentalists who are in sympathy with the goals of ISIS?
FBI: Well, no. Of course not. And the fact that the two suspects are dead, frankly is because of the local police, and their over-reaction to what was clearly the early stages of a man-caused disaster.
ATTENDEE: I’m sorry…I don’t know how much more of this I can take without being ill right on your shoes. Are we done here? I’d like to get home to my family.
FBI: No sir. Please turn around. Mr. Puddin. M. Tame, I’m formally putting you under arrest.
ATTENDEE: What?! On what charge?
FBI: We have you on several, by your own admission. We’ve got you on a 502: inciting a public riot, since you knew that these cartoons were of Mohammed, and you were aware of the incendiary nature of the subject matter. We have you on a 439: Spreading inaccurate and treasonous stories, trying to convince people that this was terrorism instead of workplace violence. And then we have you on a 420.
ATTENDEE: What’s a 420?
FBI: Insulting the intelligence of an officer of the law.
ATTENDEE: I find that hard to believe.
FBI: Why is that, sir?
ATTENDEE: Because if you’re not intelligent enough to realize that these Muslims were here to shoot up the place on behalf of their religion, there’s no intelligence there for me to insult.
FBI: You’re not helping your case.
ATTENDEE: Okay. Let me make it simple for you. Ever been out in the country?
FBI: Yes.
ATTENDEE: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass…the very same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why?
FBI: I have no idea.
ATTENDEE: Well if you don’t know crap, I fail to see how you’d be intelligent enough to see that I’ve insulted you, much less be intelligent enough to defend our country.
FBI: Hmm. I see your point. Please wait here, while I go out to my car for my jackboots.
============
I can’t wait to read the accounts of this, once they release the names and photos of the perps. But I’m not going to hold my breath, waiting to hear anybody on the Left – or any Muslim group – denounce the attacks. But I will brace myself for the inevitable spin, where these two morons will be made into heroes, and the cops will be vilified for saving lives.
Brad, This satire is nothing short of brilliance! Frightening!; sadly true.
this is not cool sorry
Zaheer, while I respect (and defend) your right to disagree with me, the entire point of the Freedom of Speech guaranteed for us by the United States Constitution and the First Amendment in the Bill of Rights, is that I am free to say something that you don’t like.
The very real problem with the Progressive mindset in the USA today, is that some people seem to think that there’s some sort of Constitutional right to prevent anyone from offending them. (I looked. There’s not.)
Ironically, this imaginary ‘right’ seems only to extend to those who are in a minority – White males, Christians, Capitalists, and those who believe in traditional family values need not apply.
I’ll tell what I find to be “not cool” – that some self-proclaimed Muslim maniac could go back into his place of employment and behead a female co-worker, and then two things happen (predictably, but still…): the FBI immediately announces this was a case of “workplace violence” completely unrelated to jihad or Islam, and NOBODY in the “moderate Muslim” community speaks out against this act. THAT is the very definition of “not cool.”