Okay. I’m gonna wade right into the middle of this minefield, fully aware that I’m liable to tick a lot of people off. If you haven’t heard, the Donald Trump-owned Miss Universe organization learned that Miss Canada, one Jenna Talackova, was barred from competing for the Miss Universe title by virtue of having been born a man instead of a woman.
Ahem.
Okay, there are so many ways to go with this story, I hardly know where to begin. First of all, lemme say that it is a sick, sad sign of our times when a pageant has to include in its rulebook that contestants must meet the legal requirements of being an actual, you know… WOMAN. Things were so simple when I was a kid. We turned on the TV, and if someone was in a dress and had breasts, they were a woman. (Okay, they could have been Milton Berle, but I don’t think he fooled anybody.) Sure there were drag acts way back when, but I don’t recall a case where a guy decided to switch operating systems, as it were, and then decide to enter a beauty pageant contest as a woman. Now I understand “Jenna” entered an earlier contest for “transgendered” individuals, so it’s not like this should have come as a big surprise to our neighbors in the Great White North. And looking at pics of Talakova, I can understand the confusion. She looks like a woman. But I can’t blame the pageant officials either. I mean, who in the Hell would think to run DNA tests on contestants to make sure they’re really women. (Okay, I know, I know. East Germany women’s weight lifters. But still…)
Now who would you think would represent Talackova? If you guessed media whore/pain-in-the-Alice B. Tookas/femmiNazi Gloria Allred, jump to the head of the class. As the saying goes, the most dangerous place to stand at a press conference is between the cameras and Gloria. I get the feeling that woman would mow down anybody standing in the way of her getting air time, and the wackier the case, the better.
So let me be very clear on this. I’m a big believer in individual rights AND individual responsibilities. If you wanna tat yourself up, poke holes in body parts and adorn yourself with chrome-plated bike chains, it’s no skin off my back. You can dye your hair, shave it off, glue it to your butt and act like an orangutan for all I care. Stay outta my way, and keep your freak on to yourself, and I’m good. On the other hand, when you decide that I must accept your kink and you’re gonna parade it around where it’s going to affect me and mine, I get a might bit testy.
Neither do I buy Dame Allred’s contention that Talackova realized that he/she was a woman trapped in a male body at age four. Now I’m not going to get into the question of the whole born-or-made thing. Frankly, I don’t care. Again, if you’re attracted to members of your own sex, that’s your business – not mine. As long as you’re not forcing your lifestyle choices on me, I don’t care. But what I DO care about is child abuse. Do you have kids? Ever taught school? Baby sat? Have nieces or nephews? If you do, and can show me a case where ANY four-year-old that understands gender identity to the point where they can make an intelligent, informed choice, I’ll buy you dinner. Here’s the thing, folks: they call children “minors” for a reason. They have not reached an age where they can be legally held responsible for their choices, nor are the emotionally, intellectually or physically equipped to make choices that will affect the rest of their lives. Alred goes on to say that Talackova started hormone replacement therapy at age fourteen. Again, people, a fourteen-year-old kid is NOT an adult. So where were the parents in all this? I’m betting if there WERE parents involved, they were more concerned with being their kid’s buddy, than being their parent.
So this poor schmuck decided at age four that he was a she. (I had stuck to my career plans at age four, I’d be the world’s tallest astronaut/architect/President, all at the same time.) And his/her parental units apparently went right along with it. Frankly, as a dad, I’m horrified by all this, for the exact same reason I don’t believe anybody under the age of 21 should be given a nose job, a boob job, or any other kind of job other than one that involves a paycheck, withholding, and a 1040 form. But okay. So the kid decided that gender “reassignment” was the right thing to do. The parent(s) agreed. Somebody ponied up the money (oh, wait – is having your genitalia amputated voluntarily covered by socialized medicine?), and found a physician for whom the Hippocratic Oath was more of a suggestion, and he had his works cut out for him, and became a she. Sort of. (Stop taking those hormone pills, hon, and leg stubble isn’t the only thing you’ll be shaving.) Oh, and wait…didn’t I read somewhere that there’s tons of evidence in women that hormone replacement therapy increases your risk of cancer? Yep. So not only is this poos schlemiel confused, but s/he’s also increasing the odds of getting cancer. (I’m sure his cells are gonna be so confused from here on out, they won’t have time for cancer. But then again, cancer’s always got time for people, eh?)
Okay, so now lets turn our attention to the pageant issue. Remember when Hooters got sued a few years back for “discrimination” because they wouldn’t hire waiters? Oh, that was rich. Now I’m not a devotee of Hooters myself. (It’s not that I object to the objectifying of women. Lord knows, it’s hard enough to make a living in the service industry. If these women can do it by showing a little cleavage and not have to pole dance or hook for their daily bread, more power to ’em. But if you want my business, you’re gonna need some food that doesn’t suck. Just sayin’.) No, I care not about hot and cold running bimbos. But the point of an eatery like that is so you can go and leer at the cheesecake. And I don’t mean the desert menu. If somebody wants to start a “Chippendales” restaurant and hire male studmuffins or himbos to wait tables, I’ve got noooo problem with that. More power too ya, and good luck on it. Not my kinda place, either. But unless you’re gonna franchise an R-rated version of Plato’s Retreat and offer scantily-clad men AND women as your come-on, I see no reason why Hooters should be forced to hire men to wait tables.
Neither do I see any reason whatsoever that the Miss Universe pageant should be forced to admit men who’ve had their moneymakers cut off, to enter as women. Sorry Chaz, but while I’m perfectly happy for you that you switched sides and all, I’m really not interested in your forcing your lifestyle choices on me and demand that I accept them. Talackova want’s to enter a dozen transgender pageants? Fine. Go for it, babe. But do you think we could limit membership in the Boy Scouts to “boys,” the Girl Scouts to “girls” and the beauty pageants to those who were born with a womb? I mean, until medical science advances to the point where you can actually lactate, conceive a child by natural means, and deliver the baby without a team of surgeons, a gaggle of press photogs from the National Enquirer, and the ever-present Gloria Allred, then why not just leave the beauty pageants to real women?
Of course, that was never the deal here. I’m certain that the whole outing of Talackova was the plan all along, either to gin-up publicity for an event nobody cares about, or more likely, a plan by Talackova and others of her persuasion to force the issue as a “triumph for transgender rights.” Yeah. THAT’S what it is.
Look, I already don’t watch the show now. You’re wanting to give me more reasons not to watch? Look, I don’t particularly like admitting this, but here’s a news flash for you: most men are pigs, and by “pigs” I mean objectify scantily clad women. Can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. And frankly, I’m not apologizing for it. Note that this does NOT mean we should get to treat women with anything less than respect, nor does it mean we get carte blanche to leer at women in public. I was raised to be a gentleman. But in the privacy of that little space between a guy’s ears, I garun-damn-tee ya that when a guy sees a picture of a girl wearing next to nothing, the mental process goes like this: 1) Wow! 2) I’d do her. (or if she’s not hot, “Nope. I wouldn’t do her.” Now most guys do this without even thinking about it, then get on with their lives. Just because we evaluate virtually all attractive women by a binary metric does NOT mean we’re all obsessed with sex. I can see an attractive woman and instantly determine if I’m attracted to her, then never give her another thought. There’s nothing sexist about that. (If I were to hit on her, leer at her, or otherwise assault her, THAT would be sexist and then some.) But here’s another dirty little secret: women do this too. Now they’re not as verbal about it, nor are they as willing to admit it to themselves – or us – but they do it. And for those that claim that they “only look at a man’s personality, or his sense of humor,” I cry “BULL.”
So, you see, the whole concept of a transgendered individual competing in a beauty pageant is designed to be confrontational from the get-go. What this contestant wants is for you to think “wow…she’s hot! I’D do her,” only then to find out that she’s not really a she. Now most straight guys I know would rather go sit on a red-hot poker than admit they’ve ever found a transvestite or a transgendered individual sexually attractive. So what we’re talking about here would cause some serious waves. Which is my point, entirely. Talackova isn’t doing this to win a pageant. S/he’s doing it to force people to come to terms with her lifestyle choice.
Did I mention I hate beauty pageants? It has nothing to do with this issue. I’ve never liked ’em. I’ve played several of them, as a musician in the pit orchestra. The side you see from the audience is VASTLY different from that which you’d see from a view during rehearsals or from backstage. These girls don’t grow up dreaming of being Miss America, Miss Holiday-in-Dixie, or even Miss Stake. It’s a job, genius. They travel around, entering pageant after pageant, looking to pick up crowns, prize money and scholarships. Like pro football players, their pageant careers come with an expiration date. And they WANT to win. So I can imagine that Toni Transgender is not engendering a lot of support from the other girls in the pageant. Especially if she pulls off a return to the flock, courtesy of the litigious Ms. Allred. If she does get back in (and doesn’t just sue for a settlement, take the money and run), she’s a lock for at least a top-five finish. It’s the only way the pageant could “prove” they’re not discriminating against the transgender community. (How big is that community, I wonder. What, maybe .0001% of the world’s population?) I hate to say this, but this is not too different from some kid that gets injured and has to use a wheelchair, crutches, or a golf cart to compete, asking for the rules to be changed so they can play with the rest of the kids, just so they can still get a record for most starts, or whatever. But when you bend the rules for one person, it cheapens the whole thing for everybody.
So where does this leave us? Well, once again, we have a situation where some advocate for something that a majority of people find weird, disturbing, or just plain wrong, has gamed the system in order to force us all to deal with her cause. Great. And along the way has completely killed most people’s interest – prurient or otherwise – in the institution of beauty pageants. And as much as I hate pageants, I hate the idea of someone screwing them up for their own selfish goals even more.
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