Back in the day, I had a college professor for Freshman English who’s favorite assignment was for us to “compare and contrast.” (Beowulf versus Sir Gawain and the Green Knight was his favorite smackdown.) I thought about him today when I read yet another story about Joe Biden, our illustrious Vice President, putting his foot in his mouth yet again. (Are his shoes orthopedic or orthodontic?) Think back several administrations ago, when Bush the First was in office. Back then, the media’s favorite sport was lying in wait for then-Vice President Dan Quayle to say something – anything – that they could pounce on. Remember the big brouhaha about “Potatoe”? How about his comment about unwed mothers? As I recall, nothing Quayle did or said even remotely approached the idiocy of what our current Veep comes out with on a more-or-less regular basis. And while we do get to hear about what Biden says (thanks to FOX News and conservative Talk Radio), nobody in the mainstream press seems to be able to muster up more than a “that’s just ol’ crazy Uncle Joe…gotta love him” kind of riff. No outrage. No “off with his head frothing at the mouth.” No “get this guy a muzzle, stat!” panic from the members of the fourth estate. No, they saved all that for Danforth “Full Dinner Jacket” Quayle. Nope. Nary a peep outta the media over Biden, even as virtually every Republican I know is suddenly praying fervently for the continued health of Obama.
Today, of course, we learn that Biden is not only a hack politician and has a mouth with no safety, but he also has a death wish. Ever wonder where the secret bunker is that the Veep gets to live in when we’re under attack? According to Joe, the bunker is conveniently located under the Naval Observatory – the home of the Vice President. This revelation saves terrorists the time and effort to guess where to hit us, should they decide to take out Obama AND Biden. (And if you think that the idea of “President Pelosi” doesn’t send conservatives into paroxyms to panic, think again.)
But imagine the possibilities…most Americans can’t name the VP, the Speaker, the Senate Majority Leader, or any other elected official past the President. Put them all in a lineup, and the average American would be able to identify Biden from the teeth marks on his shoes alone. Think, too of the merchandising posibilities: a toothbrush with a handle shaped like a .45 auto. 
A combination foot ointment/toothpaste. Maybe even a flashing light/siren combination hat, that we’d call the “Bidenlert” that would go off every time the wearer said something stupid.
But I think Biden’s lasting legacy (aside from eclipsing Quayle in the hearts and minds of the malapropism-loving public), should be his effect on our tax policy. No, I’m not recommending approval of anything the Obama administration has in mind. I’m speaking of a new solution – a third way, if you will – that will replace the current Income Tax with a new system. It’s not a flat tax. It’s not a value-added or consumption tax. No, I speak of the only tax that we could possibly enact that would deserve the endorsement, support, and inspiration of one Vice President Joseph Biden. I refer to…the Stupid Tax.
That’s right. A Stupid Tax. Literally, a tax on stupidity. Under this proposal, we scrap all taxes in favor of taxing stupidity – do something stupid, pay a tax. Turn right from a left hand lane? Stupid tax: $10. Drive while intoxicated? Stupid tax: $1,000 (plus criminal penalties, of course). Vote for some moron that can’t put two sentences together without tasting shoe leather? Stupid Tax: $150,000. Obviously, there are some enforcement issues we’d have to work through, but the huge advantage to this plan is that the truly stupid people won’t even realize they are bearing the largest tax burden. Stupidity is the ultimate fair tax, too. No one group has cornered the market on stupid – there are stupid rich people, stupid poor people, and stupid middle class people. There are stupid whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians – pick a demographic, and you’ll find a certain percentage of them are smart, and a certain number are stupid. Stupid affects people regardless of race, creed, color, or gender. There’s a seemingly endless supply of stupid people, too. Studies show, in fact, that one out of three people are stupid. Next time you’re in a theatre or other large gathering, look to your left, then to your right. If neither of these people are stupid stop reading now.
Back with me? Good. Okay, now of course we can’t go around calling our new tax policy the “Stupid Tax” – that would insult the marginally stupid people who will form the largest taxable group. Just like any demographic group, there are more people in the middle than any other group – the bell-shaped curve. 
As you can see, everything from zero to close to 75 is fair game. But if we call it a “Stupid Tax,” those approaching average intelligence will twig to the plan. We need a better name. Oh, wait…I have it. How about the Biden Plan. Simple, elegant, and the morons over at Daily Koz and HuffPo will think it’s a compliment.
I think the plan has merit. And if we play our cards right and can keep Biden from getting himself killed by terrorists – or fragged by his own party – maybe we can get him to back the tax plan. And wouldn’t that be the ultimate karma?
Leave a Reply