Homeland (In)security.

Living in Texas, I’ve given a lot of thought on the issue of homeland security, especially as it applies to the border. Admittedly, here in the Panhandle, we’re about as far away from the Mexican border as you can be, and still live in the great State of Texas. However, you might be surprised to learn that border security is an issue that has a direct effect on where I live. For instance, while the majority of the population in the Texas Panhandle is Anglo/White/Caucasian (I’m not up on what the P.C. crowd is calling us homies nowadays), the second-largest ethnic group is not Black/Afro-American/Whatever is the P.C. Term, but Hispanic. A surprisingly large percentage of our local population is comprised of those who have entered the company without the benefit of immigration papers. In other words, illegal aliens. (I’m aware the P.C. term is “undocumented workers.” That’s a load of male bovine excrement. If they are from another country and are here without following our immigration laws, they are illegal aliens.

You may have noticed in the news lately, that illegal alien immigration is way down in the past fiscal quarter. I’d love to be able to report that this is due to stepped-up patrols, the long-awaited, controversial border fence, or something we did to directly affect the problem. Nope. It’s because our economy (like the rest of the world’s, mind you) is in the baño right now. (For you gringos, that’s the toilet.) Seems as though all those low-paying jobs that are typically beneath the dignity of us naitive-borns are suddenly looking muy bueno right about now, and the depressed job market has not the siren song call to our Neighbors to the South.

Still, we need border security, to serve both economic security and national security goals. I think I have the answer, and – with appologies to Jonathan Swift – I’d like to share my idea with you.

Annex Mexico.

Yep. That’s it. Make Mexico our 51st state. Now before you dismiss my idea out of hand, allow me to cover some of the many advantages this plan would present…

1. It would create a buffer zone between Central and South America and the rest of the USA. Hey, it worked for the Soviet Union…why not us? It’s one thing to cross a couple of miles of desert to get to the good life here in the U.S. of A…why not make that a little more difficult? Besides, the Southern border of Mexico is presents a much shorter route for a border fence.
2. It would immediately remove the “grass is greener on the other side of the fence” aspect of immigration from Mexico. Why immigrate? You’re already here!
3. There are apparently huge numbers of really tough hombres down Mexico way, working, as they say, in the “drug trade.” Swell. Instead of giving them free border passes and punishing our Border Patrol guards for inconveniencing them, this way, we can simply force them to go into the military as an “elite” squad. Think of them as a sort of Hispanic “Dirty Dozen” we’d use to go after the bad guys in Afghanistan. Think of it…they already know the drug biz, and they are ready, willing, and able to shoot anybody that gets in their way. They could be the ultimate weapon against the drug trade coming out of the war on terror. Exporting them to that part of the world would get them away from us, too. It’s a win-win for America.
4. Think of the money we’d save on education and health care. If Mexico was a state, the entire population would have to pay out-of-state tuition fees to attend a U.S. college. Whee! Instant windfall, Governor Schwarzenegger! And the health care windfall would be huge, since all of Mexico would be paying taxes into our system. Too, there’d be little money being wired home, since “home” would be within the USA.
5. The Dems would go for it, as they’d think they would be acquiring an unbeatable voting block. The GOP would go for it, because they’d realize that, once they are taxpayers, the Dems illegal alien policies would hit THEM in their pocketbooks. How much sympathy do you think the State of Mexico would have for Guatemala or Nicaragua, when Mexico’s on the inside looking out? You do the math.
6. We could break Mexico up into, let’s say seven states. That would make Obama’s little slip of the tongue (when he claimed there were 57 states) accurate – or even better, make him look prophetic!
7. From a political corruption point of view, even the guys in the Illinois statehouse are rank amateurs, when compared to the Mexican government. Since we seem to like corrupt politicians, we’d get a bumper crop here.
8. It would take the wind out of the sails of the “Mexifornia” crowd. ‘Nuff said.
9. Population-wise, it would put us on a much more equal footing with the “sleeping giant” that is China. This could be important, since China is currently buying up all available brass, copper and lead – coincidentally, the same raw materials needed to make bullets and cartridges to wage war. Coincidence? I think not.
10. Imagine a world where we get millions of new citizens willing to work hard to create a better life for themselves – and simultaneously save on all the relocation costs. Cool!
11. Cozumel. Cancun. Puerto Vallarta. Acapulco. Cabo San Lucas. No visas necessary. My bags are packed already!
12. It would totally hack-off Fidel, Hugo, and the Dictator Boys Club of Central and South America. You can’t ask for better Karmic Comeuppance than that.

Sure, there are some kinks to work out. But for those that insist this plan would never work, I say ¡ni hablar! Face it. We’ve “acquired” countries before with which we have no shared cultural, language or history (see: Hawaii). We have tons of shared culture (Mexican food, Speedy Gonzales, the Frito Bandito!), language (Ay carumba, man!) and history (Remember the Alamo!) with Mexico. Annexing them into the USA isn’t just a good idea. It’s inevitable. So what are we waiting for? ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!