I like water. I like to drink a lot of it, as it is probably the only thing in my diet that tastes good, is good for me, and has zero calories. (Now if only they can come up with a zero calorie steak…)
Years ago, Robin Williams did a bit that went like, “Ooh…when I wanna blow a buck on a bottle of water, I buy Perrier!” That was back when buying water – any kind of water – seemed pretty stupid, as the stuff that came out of the tap tasted pretty good. I howled. Then I moved to Amarillo.
I don’t know what’s in the water up here, but whatever it is, it tastes foul and evidently fouls up your teeth. We still bathe in it (by necessity), but we’ve taken to buying water by the three-gallon jug, so our teeth won’t fall out.
That brings me to musings on bottled water. Now, from a very young age, my father taught me to be inherently suspicious of all things advertising. I rarely take any advertising (or argument, for that matter) at face value, and always ask the question “what’s the agenda of the group behind the message?” Not a bad thing to question, especially when it comes to something like water.
In the panhandle of Texas, water is a precious commodity. Amarillo-born T. Boone Pickens has bought up a huge amount of the water rights in these parts, largely so he can pump it out of the ground and pipe it to places like San Antonio, for a fat profit. Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for Boone making his bones whatever way he likes, but I think the local landowners were a special kinda stupid to allow him to do it in such a way that will cause the panhandle to eventually dry up and blow away. (Have I mentioned that its perpetually windy up here?)
Water is supposed to be the ‘new oil.’ Of course it’s a renewable commodity (unlike oil) and falls from the sky (unlike oil) and costs 3 or 4 bucks a gallon in some parts (just like oil). Still, it amazes me that, with all the things the ecco-crisis-mongers have to worry about (drilling for oil in ANWAR, nuclear energy, etc.) they find time to freak about bottled water.
I buy bottled water in big jugs, because it’s better to drink pure water than the crap that comes out of our faucets. I buy small bottles when I go to work out, or go some place where I won’t be able to get a drink easily. I reuse the bottles, not because I’m environmentally concious, but because I’m fundamentally cheap. Makes more sense to reload, than to throw ’em away. But to hear the eccoNazis tell it, I should be drinking water out of cupped hands, as they don’t leave an (additional) carbon footprint. Sheesh.
I bought a bottle the other day, though, simply because of the sheer brilliance of the marketing concept – and marketing copy. It’s pictured above – Glaceau’s “Smart Water.” It claims to be “electrolyte-enhanced.” Uh huh. The product name, in and of itself, is brilliant. Who wouldn’t want to drink water that will make them smarter? Hell, I’d pay an extra buck for that! And the copy. Oooh…the copy is unbelieveably clever. The next time you’re at the store, check it out. They wax rhapsodic about clouds containing nature’s purest form of water, and how they’ve aped the clouds by “vapor processing” their water. Pause with me for a nanosecond on that one.
“Vapor processing” is probably better known by it’s moonshine-associated name – “distilled.” Of course, you’re not gonna pay and extra buck for a bottle of distilled water, when you can get the same thing in a gallon jug for under a buck just a few feet away, are you? And adding electrolytes simply puts some minerals back in so the water doesn’t taste the way distilled water normally does – flat and tasteless. So what’s really going on here? Marketing – that’s what. The marketing geniuses at Glaceau have found a way to charge an extra buck or so for DISTILLED WATER (which means they can start with crappy, municipal water, and avoid the extra cost associated with sourcing ‘spring water’ or ‘snow-crested mountain peak water’ or whatever is the obscession du jour of the health nut crowd.
I hate to tell the Emperor that they have no clothes (okay…I LIVE for that kinda thing), but Smart Water is only “smart” when it comes to marketing the stuff. Oh, and guys – nice choice as Jennifer Anniston as your spokesbabe. Classy touch, that.
All this talk about designer water reminds me of several years back, when I accompanied the CEO and President of my then-employer to a luncheon with a marketing guru they’d hired. He ordered a specific brand of bottled water, and everyone else (but me) dutifully followed suit. The waiter came out and poured the water over ice, making a great show of the bottle, the pouring, and the fact that this water was not out of the local tap. I made do with tap water.
The marketing guy made a big deal about how great this particular water was, and how he never drank anything but this particular brand, noted for it’s purity, it’s taste, and it’s cost. I was non-plused. Of course, as someone who just can’t resist shooting every friggin’ sacred cow I see, I just had to stick a pin in that bubble. When the waiter came by to refill his water, the marketing guy was still going on about how he never drank anything but this bottled water. I asked the waiter, “Um…waiter? The ice cubes in the glasses…are THEY frozen from this exclusive, bottled water?” He smiled, and replied, “No sir…they’re just tap water.”
KInda put a chill on the whole conversation. But at least I didn’t have to listen to how he never touched any water except his favorite bottled variety.
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