Tag Archives: Academy Awards

I Didn’t Watch the Oscars.

The little gold bald guy.
The little gold bald guy.

Couldn’t care less, frankly. Hard for me to get interested in a bunch of self-centered, egotistical, spoiled brats, running around and playing dress-up, slapping each other on the back for how “naughty” and “provocative” they were over the past year. Think of it as a video documentary of detention at an overpriviledged high school, on an afternoon when the entire Drama Club has been nailed for cheating.

However, I digress. Back on Valentine’s Day, I stuck my neck out, and for the first time ever, made Oscar predictions. Today, children, we’ll review my predictions, the actual results, and how well I did.

Best Picture Slumdog Millionaire Slumdog Millionaire Told ‘ya.
Best Actor Sean Penn for Milk Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon Prooving conclusively that Hollywood’s first allegiance is to gays, second to liberals. I’ll know better next time.
Best Actress Meryl Streep in Doubt Kate Winslet for The Reader Missed this one. But you gotta admit, by my logic, it’s hard to count out the Alar Queen. Don’t know much about Winslet’s politics, but she had that “often a bridesmaid, never a bride” thing going for her.
Best Supporting Actor Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight Told ‘ya. Everybody loves a talent, especially when they tragically assume room temperature before their time.
Best Supporting Actress Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona A toss-up Okay…I weasled on this one. But seriously…did anybody care?
Best Director Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire Another slam-dunk. No way they’re gonna give Opie an Oscar this year, and they probably still hold a grudge against Gus Van Sant for the remake of Psycho.
Best Original Screenplay Milk Milk Hey…In Bruges lost. I’m happy.
Best Adapted Screenplay Frost/Nixon Slumdog Millionaire A triumph for liberal principles over conservative bashing. Who woulda thunk it?
Best Animated Film WALL•E WALL•E The film with the most progressive theme – humans are evil, and are destroying the planet. Especially those evill Walmart guys. A valentine to the Greenie ecoNazis.

My success rate was 5.5 out of 9 (I’m giving myself a half-point on the Best Supporting Actress), or just under 66%. That’s better odds, by the way, than you’d get from a stockbroker, weatherman, or Vegas handicapper. I think I’m on to something here. In fact, with just a couple of minor tweaks to the way I interpreted the data, I would have gotten 7 or 8 out of 9. Ah well…there’s always next year.

Handicapping the Oscars.

Do you love movies? I used to. Hooray for Hollywood and all that. It used to be our best export – American culture via movies was the original nation-building exercise. Even countries that hate us loved our entertainment. Today, things are different. I’m ashamed of most of the America-bashing, far-Left ideology-spewing, self-absorbed naval gazing, crapalicious dreck coming out of Hollywood nowadays. And I’m not alone. Movie attendance is way, way down in the so-called “Red States,” and the number-one with a car bomb objection raised by Islamic fundamentalist nutjobs is the “decadent” entertainment designed to break down traditional cultures – like theres. I used to enjoy watching the Oscar ceremony, pulling for my favorite movies, directors, actors and actresses. Not anymore. I haven’t watched – or cared about – the Oscars in years. Between Hollywood nominating a bunch of movies I wouldn’t see on a bet (movies that mock my values, like Brokeback Mountain) and nominating a bunch of actors and actresses with little talent, less common sense, willing to loudly bray their opinions about George Bush, the Right, and how everything wrong with the world is Halliburton’s and Chenney’s fault. After a while it gets old.

Then I realized that I had the perfect formula to predict who would win the Oscars. Continue reading Handicapping the Oscars.