Couldn’t care less, frankly. Hard for me to get interested in a bunch of self-centered, egotistical, spoiled brats, running around and playing dress-up, slapping each other on the back for how “naughty” and “provocative” they were over the past year. Think of it as a video documentary of detention at an overpriviledged high school, on an afternoon when the entire Drama Club has been nailed for cheating.
However, I digress. Back on Valentine’s Day, I stuck my neck out, and for the first time ever, made Oscar predictions. Today, children, we’ll review my predictions, the actual results, and how well I did.
|CATEGORY||MY PREDICTION||THE WINNER…||COMMENTS|
|Best Picture||Slumdog Millionaire||Slumdog Millionaire||Told ‘ya.|
|Best Actor||Sean Penn for Milk||Frank Langella for Frost/Nixon||Prooving conclusively that Hollywood’s first allegiance is to gays, second to liberals. I’ll know better next time.|
|Best Actress||Meryl Streep in Doubt||Kate Winslet for The Reader||Missed this one. But you gotta admit, by my logic, it’s hard to count out the Alar Queen. Don’t know much about Winslet’s politics, but she had that “often a bridesmaid, never a bride” thing going for her.|
|Best Supporting Actor||Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight||Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight||Told ‘ya. Everybody loves a talent, especially when they tragically assume room temperature before their time.|
|Best Supporting Actress||Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona||A toss-up||Okay…I weasled on this one. But seriously…did anybody care?|
|Best Director||Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire||Danny Boyle in Slumdog Millionaire||Another slam-dunk. No way they’re gonna give Opie an Oscar this year, and they probably still hold a grudge against Gus Van Sant for the remake of Psycho.|
|Best Original Screenplay||Milk||Milk||Hey…In Bruges lost. I’m happy.|
|Best Adapted Screenplay||Frost/Nixon||Slumdog Millionaire||A triumph for liberal principles over conservative bashing. Who woulda thunk it?|
|Best Animated Film||WALL•E||WALL•E||The film with the most progressive theme – humans are evil, and are destroying the planet. Especially those evill Walmart guys. A valentine to the Greenie ecoNazis.|
My success rate was 5.5 out of 9 (I’m giving myself a half-point on the Best Supporting Actress), or just under 66%. That’s better odds, by the way, than you’d get from a stockbroker, weatherman, or Vegas handicapper. I think I’m on to something here. In fact, with just a couple of minor tweaks to the way I interpreted the data, I would have gotten 7 or 8 out of 9. Ah well…there’s always next year.