Heard…and overheard.

This conversation was recorded without the knowledge of the participants. This transcript came to us anonymously. We cannot reveal our source – as we have no idea who sent it. But they provided enough bona fides that we can vouch for it’s authenticity. The names have been changed to protect the identities of the speakers (but unless you live under a [30] Rock, you should be able to fill in the blanks without any problem). 

Mr. X: Have you seen the overnights?

Mr. Y: Yes…they’re pretty scary. 

Mr. X: I can’t believe McCain did this…we were all ready to go negative on anybody on his short list…where did SHE come from? Nobody had her on a short list…long list…ANY list. 

Mr. Y: I’m baffled. What do we do now?

Mr. X: You’re the President of the network…you tell me. It’s what I’m paying you for. 

Mr. Y: Uh…well…it will take us a few days…weeks maybe, to dig up enough dirt on her to get our claws in deep.

Mr. X: You idiot…we don’t HAVE weeks…the election is in just a few weeks!

Mr. Y: Right…right. Okay…we don’t have much to work with. The woman looks like a saint.

Mr. X: Don’t throw that religion stuff in my face. Bad enough she’s a woman. The fact that she’s a Christian REALLY has the right excited. I thought once we shoved McCain down their throats they’d be sitting on their hands through November. Remember…McCain was dead before Florida. If it weren’t for us, he’d be licking his wounds and we’d be looking at Romney (shudder). 

Mr. Y: Okay, our early polling results show the more we attack her for her “Hockey Mom” charm, her family, her pregnant kid, her Downs Syndrome baby, and her religion, the more the right loves her. None of our usual tricks are working. 

Mr. X: I really do have to lead you right to the answer, don’t I, you idiot. 

Mr. Y: Look…I’ve done everything you’ve asked. If we were any more in the tank for Obama, we’d be UNDER the bloody thing. We got rid of Hillary, didn’t we?

Mr. X: Yes, but…

Mr. Y: …and we suffered through that stupid idea of yours to make our broadcasts more “green” so you could sell those expensive light bulbs, right? I mean – those things are an EPA disaster in waiting. 

Mr: X: We didn’t do ’em to keep people safe…we did them to make a big profit. I mean, there’s no money in incandescents. The public doesn’t realize that their light bill would have to triple before they’re gonna see any savings on those bulbs. Sheeple. Sheesh. 

Mr. Y: But that still begs the question, what can we do to destroy Palin? She’s amazing…I don’t think we can touch her. 

Mr. X: Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’ll make it easy for you. Think back…way back. Remember what we did to Ford?

Mr. Y: Look, the fact that they make crap cars isn’t MY fault.

Mr. X: Not Ford as in cars you moron…Ford as in President Gerald Ford

Mr. Y: Ah…I’m not following. 

Mr. X: I can see that. Look, Ford was a competent U.S. Representative from Michigan. He’d served on the Warren Commission. After we got even with Spiro for that “Nattering Nabobs of Negativism” crack, Tricky Dick needed a new Veep. Along with our fellow travelers at the other networks, we used our connections to get him to pick Ford. We told him Ford would be the only choice bland enough to be acceptable to the Dems. He went for it, and not long after, Nixon himself bailed. That left Ford in charge. 

Mr. Y: But how is that good? I mean, he was a moderate…an honorable man. I would have thought you’d be thrilled.

Mr. X: Shows you what YOU know. We immediately set in to marginalize him. 

Mr. Y: But how? You couldn’t exactly have the media turn against him…they’d just gotten him made President without the people electing him. 

Mr. X: Exactly. So we went nuclear. The glass pancake option. 

Mr. Y: You mean…

Mr. X: …That’s right. Saturday Night Live. We got that Chevy Chase hack to parody him. Worst impression I’d ever seen. The guy was so lame, the only way we could get anybody to believe he was doing Ford was to keep calling him “Mr. President” in the script. Complete washout. But the show was so popular, the viewers would swallow anything. Once we’d convinced him that Chase was funny (a pretty tall order, I don’t mind telling you), they swallowed anything. By the time that Georgia cracker ran against him, we’d convinced the nation that Ford was an inept bumbler with the coordination of an MS patient.

Mr. Y: That’s terrible? Didn’t the guy play football? How clumsy could he have been?

Mr. X: That’s just the thing, see. The beauty of it. Ford tripped once, and we made a Federal case out of it. Could happened to anybody, but it was just the opening we needed. By the time the convention came around, I think the GOP nominated him outta pity. Carter blew him away. 

Mr. Y: So you think we should pull a Gerry Ford on Palin?

Mr. X: Exactly. 

Mr. Y: But isn’t that kind of extreme? I mean, none of our other attacks have worked. Won’t the public just figure that we’re piling on, and drive more voters over to their side?

Mr. X: You don’t get it, do you? Saturday Night Live has a rep for cutting-edge comedy. Who watches it? The under-30 crowd. And they already love Obama. Then the media will pick it up, but their hands will be clean. They’ll just be reporting the news. We can even force those vipers at Fox to report on it, cause it will be NEWSworthy. 

Mr. Y: Wow. That’s…that’s…insideous. 

Mr. X: Thank you. 

Mr. Y: Hey…we may have caught a break…remember that Tina Fey babe?

Mr. X: The one that moved on to her own show?

Mr. Y: That’s the one. She owes us some favors…after all, her show’s airing on OUR network. She’s practically a dead ringer for Palin. She’s got talent…I’m sure she can do the voice. Give her some rimless specs, and she could be Palin’s stunt double. We’ll get her to parody Palin and make her out to be a complete bimbo. While the kids and left snicker about our merciless parodies, the right will be powerless to stop us – they’ll look paranoid for complaining, and those morons who haven’t made up their minds will be brainwashed into thinking she’s a complete tool. Brilliant!

Mr. X: It’s the only thing that can save us. Frankly, that woman scares me silly. It’s like she’s the second coming of Reagan. Look at the parallels…both Reagan and Palin started their careers as sportscasters. She was in paegants before that – Reagan was an actor. They were both Governors who came to power because they promised reform – and they both delivered. They both were ethical, and they both came off as personable, articulate, and “of the people.” Have you heard her speak? She’s the real deal…for heaven’s sake, she stared down the oil companies…and WON. If this woman gets within a heartbeat of the White House, we could be in for another 20 years of true conservative principles – a second Reagan Revolution. That would be an unmittigated disaster for progressives. You can forget about our plans for a new “New Deal.” Forget nationalizing health care. Forget our precious nanny state – she could single-handedly set our progressive, liberal agenda back to the friggin’ stone age. 

Mr. Y: Okay. I’ll get on it. We’ll start hammering Palin. Maybe I can get the guys over at Black Rock to have Couric nail her to the wall, too. 

Mr. X: Do the Saturday Night Live thing first. Couric’s a bitch on wheels, and she could blow things up in our face – but if we do the parody thing first, we may be able to use Couric to keep her off her game, long enough to get that blowhard Biden to take a crack at her. 

Mr. Y: But what if she nails the debate? I hear Biden speeches are used inside the Beltway as a cure for insomnia. 

Mr. X: We’ll just have to hope that we rattle Palin enough to give Biden an opening. If the public finds out how genuine and talented Palin is, we can kiss that Obama presidency goodbye. 

Mr. Y: I’ll get on it. 

Mr. X: And while you’re at it, would you do something about that Oberman ass? Even I find that idiot annoying. He needs to go back to to the psy-op boys for reconditioning. He’s forgotten he has to APPEAR to be neutral, all the while shoving our agenda down the public’s throat – he’s way too obvious. 

Mr. Y: Okay. I’ll take him off the anchor desk. Might as well burn Matthews, too, just to make it appear to be fair. 

Mr. X: That’s the spirit. 

Mr. Y: Okay. I’m off to destroy another career. Call me if you get any more ideas. 

Mr. X: Got it. 

[Mr. Y leaves.]

Mr. X: [to himself] Schmuck.

Leave a Reply