Are you a woman? If not, do you know any women? Let me put this another way…are you a woman (or do you know any women) who, from time to time, buy…um…undergarments? Well, if so, I have an idea that might make that experience a little easier (for the women, anyway). And less painful for the men in their lives. Because is mama ain’t happy…
Here’s the deal. Most women have, shall we say, “strong feelings” about the experience of buying underwear. And if by “strong feelings” you understand me to mean “hate with a passion usually reserved for recent ex-boyfriends, root canals, and income tax audits” then we’re on the same page. Yes, fellow males of the world, women HATE to shop for underwear. Now I’m sure that there are SOME women out there who don’t hate it. We have a name for such women. We call them “Victoria’s Secret Runway Models.” But, I digress…
So what makes it such a distatesful experience? Well, I don’t think I’m revealing any mysteries of the female experience to state that Most Women Are Not Happy With Their Bodies. No sir-ree-bob. Not happy. Not satisfied. No way. No how. (I remember, years ago, I had what I thought was a very-well adjusted girlfriend. After seven (count ’em!) wardrobe changes prior to leaving for a live concert (thus making us run late) she asked the question that All Men Dread, namely “do these pants make my backside look big?”
Pause with me for a nanosecond.
Men…are you now experiencing that same kind of viscereal pain usually reserved for seeing some guy get racked with a soccer ball traveling at 90 MPH? I thought so. You will then understand that, because that little latch that keeps my tongue from going into “drive” before I’ve had a chance to process what I’m thinking, you’ll see it was the act of purest misfortunate chance that I replied, “No. Those ARE jodhpurs, aren’t they?”
You’ll be pleased to note that the ex-girlfriend and I are still friends, but you’ll also understand when I say that no matter how infrequently we talk, that comment does get drug out for inspection, retrospection, and reproachment.
So, as I said before my latest detour, women are not happy campers, when looking in the mirror. Now, what do they subject themselves to, when shopping and trying on clothes? Answer: Looking in the mirror. In a small room. With Really Bright Lights. I, myself, have seen the interiors of a few of these changing rooms. And I can report with first-hand experience that the kleig lights they use could accelerate paint drying. Somehow, the combination of brightlights and big mirrors make any flaw, real or imagined, loom larger than Ayers Rock on a cloudless day. But there’s a better way.
Men, why do women wear exciting underwear? I don’t mean the kind that looks like it was designed by a team of crack military tank designers, or that brand that’s made of Kevlar®, but the sexy kind. Here’s a hint: They Wear it to Look and Feel Sexy. For themselves. For us. So it is with a perverse sort of logic that dressing rooms offer the kind of light you’d need to peform in front of a crowd of 10,000 drunk teenagers to light the room. Here’s a thought: why not put a dimmer in each dressing room. You see, if my significant other wants to look sexy for me, she’s not going to do it with stadium lighting on. (Not that I’d mind, you understand. I think my wife looks pretty wonderful in ANY lighting situation.) But most women prefer candlelight, soft music, you know…mood enhancing settings. So why not sell underwear that way? I, for one, think that Vicky’s Secret would sell TONS more merch if only they’d pay attention to how their customers think. They don’t think “Gee, there’s not enough light in here…I want to see every seam, every buldge, and ruminate on how this never looks as good on me as it does on the catalog models.” No, sports fans, they are thinking “These lights are too d&@!* bright!” I would suggest that if a woman could see herself as we see them, they’d be a lot easier on themselves. A good place to start would be a dimmer switch in the dressing rooms.
Let the mood lighting commence!
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